Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Charles Barkley admitted he owes a fortune to Las Vegas casinos Monday. It was no secret around town that he has a problem. The last time Charles Barkley was in Las Vegas he walked into the Crazy Horse Strip Club and made it rain with food stamps.
Steven Spielberg’s Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull did huge box office Wednesday. He’s got the touch. Steven Spielberg once had a kidney stone removed at Cedars Sinai Hospital and it made $60 million its first week out.
The Phoenix Mars lander landed on the red planet’s northern pole Sunday and began searching for signs of life. It’s an administration pet project. Republicans believe as an article of faith that there has to be cheaper labor out there somewhere.
Modern Bride advertised a men’s watch that buzzes every year, a week before the wedding anniversary. There’s a new card on the market for guys who forget their anniversary. It’s small, it’s personalized, and it maxes out at $5,000.
Double amputee Oscar Pistorius was ruled eligible to run in the Olympic Games Monday by an arbitration board. They said his carbon blades don’t give him an unfair advantage. Saudi Arabia’s shoplifting team was promptly named the favorite to bring home the gold.
Defense Secretary Robert Gates and Secretary of State Condi Rice were reported by Israeli media last week to be using all their influence to prevent a U.S. attack on Iran. President Bush and Dick Cheney want to attack. By now it’s a rite of spring.
John McCain’s presidential eligibility was questioned on Monday. He might have been born in a hospital in Panama outside the U.S. canal zone. Suspicions arose when his mom showed reporters the congratulations card she got from Ferdinand and Isabella.
The Gutenberg Bible goes on display at New York’s Morgan Library Tuesday where the public is invited to see the 600 year old book. The Bible was the first printed work in the world. Even then publishers wouldn’t take a chance on a new author.
Sen. Robert Byrd endorsed Barack Obama for president Monday. He once belonged to the Ku Klux Klan. You would be in the nuthouse today if five years ago you had told anybody that Jeremiah Wright and Robert Byrd would be backing the same candidate.
GOP Congressman Vito Fossella said Tuesday he won’t seek re-election. A recent drunk driving arrest revealed he had a mistress and a love child by her. It’s human nature to think that the arresting officer will let you go if you tell him everything.
Hillary Clinton begged super-delegates for their convention votes Monday. They are elected officials and party elders who are given enough convention votes to overturn an elected nominee. Years ago a small group of well-connected politicians would determine the party nominee in a smoke-filled room and today there’s no smoking.
Kentucky went strong for Hillary Clinton in Tuesday’s primary. State residents had to spend all night watching cable news pundits call them uneducated, poor and overwhelmingly white. They’re horrified that anyone would suggest they have mixed blood.
Barack Obama drew 72,000 people to a campaign rally in Oregon on Sunday. The number of attendees was astounding. It was marketing genius to put up a sign at the park entrance that morning which read Dollar a Gallon Gas — Six O’Clock.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 5.26.08

Print