The Messenger 06.13.08
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Bush will end his trip to Europe at Buckingham Palace Sunday. He has spent the entire week at five separate palaces and castles. Before you take it on yourself to democratize Iran it’s important to remind yourself where you come from.
Los Angeles grocery stores began stocking tomatoes again Tuesday after the FDA said California tomatoes are safe. It’s a huge relief. If it weren’t for what the audiences threw at them, American Idol contestants would starve to death in Los Angeles.
NBA referee Tim Donaghy said Monday the league rigged playoff games to prolong series and favor big market teams. He said he rigged outcomes himself without anyone noticing. He wasn’t caught until Oil and Gas Journal did an article on his techniques.
The U.S. Open is played this weekend at Torrey Pines Golf Club in La Jolla. Hang gliders leap off high cliffs over the ocean behind the sixth and twelfth tees. No golf course in the world gives a golfer having a really bad round more overall options.
The Weather Channel showed footage Wednesday of the Mississippi River flooding in St. Louis. It threatens river levees all the way down to New Orleans. President Bush was in Europe and unable to direct disaster aid, so sometimes you catch a break.
Mike Wallace decided to retire from CBS at age ninety on Wednesday after being on the air for sixty years. He ignored the fact that Ed McMahon wound up broke after two years of retirement. Mike Wallace lives in New York City and can take public transportation.
Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum said Tuesday it will display a wax figure of Adolf Hitler at its Berlin museum. It caused outrage. The London and New York museums agreed not to display the wax figure after word got out they’re honoring a white male.
Senator Dianne Feinstein called for the Senate cafeteria to be privatized after years of losing money and serving bad food. It sounded shocking coming from her. Democrats must eat a government program before they see the wisdom of the free market.
President Bush met for several hours Tuesday with Germany’s Chancellor Angela Merkel outside of Berlin, then they met reporters. United States troops have occupied that nation for sixty years. Under the McCain Doctrine they have to stay forty more years.
Barack Obama was blasted for telling CNBC Tuesday that rising gas prices aren’t the problem, the problem is Americans use too much energy. Now it’s the voters’ fault. It’s the first indication that Barack Obama used up all his brain cells beating Hillary.
President Bush told the British Monday he regretted that his gunslinging rhetoric before the Iraq war gave him the appearance of a warmonger. Two days later he told the Germans all options are on the table with Iran. When you’re looking for your next job it’s a good idea to tell the interviewer exactly what he wants to hear.
The New York Times reported Wednesday that Bill and Hillary Clinton have an enemies list, continuing the newspaper’s year-long campaign comparing the Clintons to Richard Nixon. They’ll have the last laugh. When Nixon finally left office, New York Times readers spent the next eighteen years turning straight to the sports page.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.