| Argus Hamilton |
By: Argus Hamilton
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HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Nickelodeon blacked out its programming for one day Saturday to get kids to go out and exercise. The network’s tired of being blamed for the obesity epidemic. So if you saw the Hostess Blimp flying over your neighborhood Saturday, now you know why.
Tennessee Titans star quarterback Vince Young told CBS’ 60 Minutes Sunday he is angry that he did not win the Heisman Trophy two years ago. He sounds just like John Kerry and Al Gore. Losing to a Bush always leaves a bitter taste in your mouth.
Woody Austin became a golf legend at the Presidents Cup when he fell face down into a water hazard on his follow through Friday. He promptly birdied the last three holes after his immersion. Every Southern Baptist minister in America rested his case.
President Bush called for caps on greenhouse gas emissions Friday at a Climate Change Conference. His record is good. He campaigned on a promise to change the climate in Washington and it’s at least five degrees warmer than it was six years ago.
Iran’s parliament condemned the CIA and U.S. Army as terror groups Saturday. The U.S. Senate had just voted to condemn Iran’s Revolutionary Guard as a terror group. You would think if we have so much in common we could work together to carve up Iraq.
Newt Gingrich said Saturday he won’t run for president after his lawyers told him it would risk his foundation’s tax-exempt status. That was close. It finally dawned on Newt that if he became president he’d have to pay taxes like the rest of us.
Rudy Giuliani cited scripture on the Christian Broadcasting Network Friday. He is growing. It followed last week’s conversion at the NRA convention when he gave up his belief in gun control and accepted Samuel Colt as his personal lord and savior.
Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama is expected to reveal this week that he raised twenty million dollars in the third quarter. Much of it is cash on hand. If Barack Obama were any more flush, Senator Larry Craig would take it as a love call.
Minneapolis Airport lowered the bathroom stall dividers to the floor Friday to discourage flirting. They’ll never be able to stop sex in airport men’s rooms. Guys figure even if they get caught, the fine is less than three drinks at the airport bar.
Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff flew in to Arizona Friday to oversee border fence construction. He posed for cameras as he welded some of the fence himself. Everyone was just relieved that the tunnel underneath him held, and he didn’t fall in.
New York cabs were forced Friday to install credit card machines and global satellite positioning systems. It’s part of a campaign to clean-up the image of cabdrivers. In addition, every three thousand miles they are required to change the oil in their hair.
The Democratic Party had a twelve-year-old boy give their radio address Saturday to push the legislation expanding the Child Health Insurance Program. If this works we’ll never hear the end of it. In a month the Republicans will have Dakota Fanning giving a speech at the United Nations about Iran’s weapons of mass destruction.
The Pentagon announced Saturday it conducted a successful missile defense test over the Pacific against a simulated North Korean attack. President Bush had no trouble getting funds for the missile defense system from the Democrats in Congress. They’re well aware that North Korea could take out California before the next election.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.Published in The Messenger 10.02.07 |
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