Posted: Thursday, July 17, 2008 7:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Newcastle United soccer fans protested in England Monday when they heard Osama bin Laden’s family is trying to buy the team. You can imagine how this is going to work out. Whenever the team plane flies into New York, it really flies into New York.
The New Yorker ran a cover cartoon Monday of Barack Obama dressed up as a Muslim terrorist. It shows his wife dressed as a Black Panther. Barack Obama is offended, John McCain is offended, and Hillary is offended they didn’t run it three months sooner.
Spain opened bullfighting season Saturday, drawing bullfighting fans and animal rights protesters to Madrid. There’s a worldwide effort by activists to stamp out blood sports. Thousands were hurt Tuesday during the Running of the Banks in Pasadena.
Texas Ranger Josh Hamilton stole the show at Yankee Stadium with his home runs and comeback story during All-Star week. After three years on alcohol and drugs he came back to play baseball. Not everyone has what it takes to make it in Hollywood.
Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt gave birth to twins Saturday in France. They then sold the baby pictures to a tabloid for twenty million dollars. For the first time ever, retired racehorses who’ve been put out to stud think they’re in the wrong racket.
Robert Downey Jr. signed Saturday to star as Sherlock Holmes. The detective was addicted to liquid cocaine. Of course there won’t really be liquid cocaine in the syringe when Robert Downey Jr. films the scene, in the movies they always use iced tea.
President Bush ended the eighteen-year-old ban on offshore oil drilling Monday with polls showing overwhelming support for the idea. It could be dangerous. Every time President Bush feels like the public is behind him, he declares war on the world.
Barack Obama told the NAACP convention Monday that black people must take more responsibility for their lives. Will the suffering ever end? First it was slavery, then segregation and now the first black president is prejudiced against black people.
Nancy Pelosi demanded a new round of stimulus checks for Americans Monday. The last check didn’t work out so well. The people who spent it are broke again and the people who put it in the bank are waiting for the bank to open so they can get it out.
John McCain campaigned in New Mexico Tuesday where he touted his experience. He assured the voters in Albuquerque he knows how to win wars. He watched the North Koreans do it, he watched North Vietnam do it, and now he’s watching the Iraqis do it.
President Bush said Monday the answer to America’s energy problems is more oil drilling. He won’t call on Americans to drive less. Living in your car in the parking lot at work conserves a lot of energy but President Bush doesn’t want it as his legacy.
Budweiser was purchased for fifty-two billion dollars Monday by Belgian brewer InBev. It’s run by a hotshot team of Brazilians who operate out of Rio. Budweiser hasn’t been linked with a cast of characters this interesting since Prohibition ended.
Tony Blair canceled a trip to Gaza Tuesday after Israeli police discovered an assassination plot by the Palestinians. If Tony Blair had been killed it would have turned the whole world against the Palestinians, but Israel warned him anyway. The main theological difference between the Old Testament and the Koran is sportsmanship.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.
Published in The Messenger 7.17.08