Argus Hamilton 8.15.08

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? U.S. Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps astounded reporters in Beijing Tuesday when he revealed that he eats 12,000 calories of food every day. So what is the problem? You’re either representing the United States of America or you’re not. China said Tuesday it distributed 100,000 condoms to the athletes in Beijing. It works out to 200 condoms per athlete for the two-week stay. It’s just another example that the breakage rate with Chinese products is pretty high. Georgia played Russia in women’s beach volleyball in the Olympics Thursday. It ran true to form. By the end of the match the Russian team had plowed through the volleyball net in a dune buggy and backed the Georgian team up against the Great Wall. The White House issued a blunt statement Wednesday ordering Russia to withdraw its troops from Georgia. The Russian troops were actually greeted as liberators by some people. They saved the U.S. defense industry just as the Iraq War was about to end. The Russian Army broke its truce Wednesday and rolled across Georgia despite White House warnings. Americans aren’t concerned at all about the rising tensions. The nice thing about a nuclear war is that you don’t get stuck in another endless quagmire. Russian troops captured Josef Stalin’s birthplace in Georgia Monday. Nostalgia for the ’30s is sweeping the world. Russian troops captured Stalin’s hometown, China is staging Hitler’s Olympics and the United States is reliving the Hoover years. Russian president Dmitry Medvedev demanded Monday that Georgia’s president step down. Russians can no longer poison their enemies one at a time. People in Europe carry the antidote with them everywhere they go like they do car keys and cell phones. Barack Obama enjoyed a nice vacation in Hawaii this week. During his morning walks on the beach, the tide would go out, and during his afternoon walks on the beach, the tide would come back in. No wonder he draws 50,000 people wherever he goes. Gov. Mark Warner was selected to give the Democratic convention’s Tuesday keynote. That’s one day after Hillary speaks and one day before Bill speaks. For the sake of the party, marriage counselors say they should always be kept a day apart. John McCain’s wife Cindy was injured on the campaign trail Wednesday when an overly enthusiastic supporter shook her hand and sprained her wrist. It could be very serious. The last time Cindy McCain took a painkiller she missed the ’90s. President Bush was forced by world events Wednesday to postpone his vacation to his Texas ranch. It’s the one time of the year he gets to sit on his couch in Texas and watch sports. And it’s so much more comfortable than his couch in the Oval Office. Democratic undecided convention delegate Sacha Millstone said she was bullied by the DNC Tuesday when she e-mailed her doubts about Obama to another delegate. She has one foot in the Clinton camp and one foot in the Obama camp. When John Edwards heard that there’s a delegate with her legs apart he was on the next flight to Denver. Monty Python’s Spamalot will return to Las Vegas next week with a new starring cast. Audiences love this musical comedy set in medieval England. When the castle defenders pour oil on top of the attackers the crowd rushes the stage with Dixie cups. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 8.15.08

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