Argus Hamilton 8.22.08
Posted: Friday, August 22, 2008 9:37 pm
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Condi Rice warned Russia Wednesday that any attack on Poland would be regarded as an attack on the U.S. The Bush Doctrine is unshakable. Any attack on the United States of America is followed immediately by a counterattack on an innocent bystander.
Michael Phelps endorsed Frosted Flakes Thursday as part of his 12,000-calorie daily diet. The U.N. is horrified. Michael Phelps only produces one-tenth of 1 percent of the world’s gold but he consumes 30 percent of the world’s corn.
The Beijing Olympics commanded huge ratings for NBC Wednesday despite the tape delay. The talk of the West Coast was the weightlifter from Vietnam who lifted over 56 kilograms. In Los Angeles that’s considered about a three month’s supply.
Ellen DeGeneres married girlfriend Portia de Rossi in California Saturday. What a triumph. This year after a long struggle, the California Supreme Court divided all the wife jokes from the Alan King estate equally between male and female comedians.
Searching for Bigfoot got fleeced by two guys who claimed Friday that they found the beast. They made 50 grand selling a frozen gorilla suit to gullible investors. It’s nice to know some of the laid-off mortgage brokers have found work.
Major League Baseball umpires refused Tuesday to use instant replay cameras on home runs this fall. It’s psychological. Sticking their heads inside that hooded viewer may remind the umpires of all the tests they failed at the eye doctor’s office.
President Bush visited New Orleans Wednesday, where he told the crowd that hope is coming back. The state persuaded him to refinance their rebuilding loans for 30 more years. Another borrower makes a stupid decision that’ll end in foreclosure.
Vanity Fair found Barack Obama’s long lost brother George Hussein Onyango Obama in Africa. He’s now living in a hut on the outskirts of Nairobi on a dollar a month. He bet everything he had that Hillary Clinton would get the Democratic nomination.
Barack Obama was urged by some Democrats Wednesday to pick Caroline Kennedy as his running mate. The argument is compelling. She accomplished as much for health care reform during her three years in the White House as Hillary Clinton did in eight.
Syria’s president Bashar al-Assad flew to Moscow Wednesday to offer Russia naval and missile bases in Syria in return for a treaty. The Pentagon sees a bright side. With retail sales plummeting every month, it’s nice to see so many new Targets going up.
Russia’s invasion of Georgia was attributed Tuesday to $100-a-barrel oil. The way to beat them is to outdrill them and then undersell them. We already beat the Russians to the moon, now we’re going to race them to the center of the Earth.
Russia canceled all joint maneuvers with NATO monitoring Afghanistan’s heroin traffic on Monday. It wasn’t working anyway. Maybe the reason we don’t hear much from the Third World anymore is because we have them sleeping two and three days at a time.
Homeland Security reminded Americans Monday they will need a passport to go to Mexico or Canada by land or sea next June. The border restriction plan may have to be postponed. Berlin just called and they want their Checkpoint Charlie equipment back.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Published in The Messenger 8.22.08