| Argus Hamilton |
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HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Bush vetoed a children’s health insurance bill on Wednesday. Any bill with children in the title is bound to evoke sympathy. President Bush would be wildly popular today if only he had code-named the war The Cat in the Hat Strikes Iraq.
La Jolla homes slid downhill when a huge sinkhole suddenly opened on exclusive Soledad Mountain Road north of San Diego Wednesday. Luckily no one was injured. California law requires all passengers to buckle up before sitting on the front porch.
Miami Dolphins star Ricky Williams applied for NFL reinstatement Wednesday. He was suspended for repeatedly testing positive for marijuana. If he had passed this many tests at the University of Texas he would have graduated in 2 1/2 years.
The New York Knicks began training camp on Wednesday, the day after coach Isiah Thomas was found liable for sexual harassment. It was grueling. The team spent the first day of practice working on hip-checking, and other career-ending office skills.
The New York Post reported Wednesday Jay Leno may move his show to Fox Network after the comic leaves the Tonight Show. He’ll be sorry. If Jay Leno goes to Fox, they’ll make him do nothing but Hillary Clinton jokes whether she is president or not.
GOP candidate Ron Paul stunned the experts Monday by raising $5 million in the third quarter. The libertarian is a 10-term congressman and a gynecologist. There’s nothing that can be done to the taxpayers that he can’t explain on a chalkboard.
John McCain said Wednesday President Bush should have urged everyone to enlist in the military after the World Trade Center attack. That’s unreasonable. There was no rush to enlist until the facts were in and the president invaded the wrong country.
Fred Thompson backed ethanol subsidies in Iowa Wednesday. You can’t win in Iowa unless you favor high corn prices. The only way Thompson could avoid endorsing ethanol subsidies is to convince farmers that his movies still sell a lot of popcorn.
Roman Catholic Archbishop Raymond Burke of St. Louis said Tuesday he would deny holy communion to Rudy Giuliani. It’s a miracle. Rudy’s been praying for a way to show Protestants that he’s one of them and this just might do it.
North Korea agreed to dismantle its entire nuclear program next week if the U.S. will remove them from the list of terrorist nations. However, they would like to remain in the Axis of Evil. They don’t want to lose their group discount on health insurance.
The Pentagon released footage Wednesday of another successful missile defense test as President Bush warned of the dangers of a nuclear-armed Iran. Thank goodness the baseball playoffs are here. Every hour that President Bush spends in front of the television set pushes the Doomsday Clock a little further in the right direction.
Jimmy Carter shouted angrily at Sudan officials who banned him from Darfur on Tuesday. He can hold a grudge. Jimmy Carter’s backed the Palestinians ever since the White House chef made him a corned beef sandwich that gave him heartburn for a week.
Blackwater Security chief Erik Prince was hauled before Congress Tuesday. They learned Blackwater recruited some employees for Iraq duty from Augusto Pinochet’s former death squads in Chile and from Slobodan Milosevic’s secret police in Serbia. At this point the Bush administration is just trying to save money on training costs.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger on 10.05.07 |
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