Argus Hamilton on NWTNTODAY.COM

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? Caroline Kennedy withdrew her bid for New York’s U.S. Senate seat Thursday. This was a smart move. When reports surfaced that she’s having an affair with the New York Times publisher even Sully Sullenberger told her to ditch the plane and bail out. Playboy Magazine announced the closing of its New York offices Friday in order to consolidate all its business operations in Chicago. It was a cost-cutting move. In Chicago the politicians are so slippery the company can save a fortune on baby oil. The Super Bowl field in Tampa got a coat of fresh paint Saturday in preparation for Sunday’s championship game. This year they’ll use a fake coin for the pre-game toss. That’s so the game isn’t delayed by people fighting over the coin on the ground. Nigerian police arrested a goat for trying to steal a car Friday. They say the thief changed himself into a goat using black magic before his arrest. The governors of Illinois would get away with everything if they could get the secret to this trick. Interior Secretary Ken Salazar vowed Friday to re-open the Statue of Liberty’s crown to sightseers in New York Harbor. Closing it for security was a mistake. If we had some people on lookout up there we might have seen the Wall Street crash coming. Pope Benedict reinstalled Bishop Richard Williamson, who actively denies the existence of the Holocaust. It never ends. The Catholic Church started its own YouTube channel Friday, but YouTube shut it down two days later because it was pro-Nazi. Michelle Obama was reported to be angry Friday when a toy company released two dolls named Sweet Sasha and Marvelous Malia. The company can take it. It’s a lot less than the criticism they’d be getting if they’d had to make dolls of the Palin family. President Obama’s tailor, Hart Shaffner and Marx, went bankrupt Saturday. They made the top coat, tuxedo and suit Obama wore on Inauguration Day. They didn’t mind paying for the bulletproof fabric but when they had to coat it with Teflon, it was just too much. Pakistan asked President Obama to halt the missile strikes on suspected Osama bin Laden hideouts. He can surrender now that Guantanamo’s closed and no state will let terrorists in their prisons. The only place we could put him is Camp David. President Obama ordered a basketball hoop and backboard installed on the White House tennis court Friday. The man is extremely competitive. He’s going to be sorry he closed Guantanamo every time somebody fouls him while he is in the act of shooting. Laura Bush visited her new house in North Dallas Saturday. The city closed the street with a security gate. The neighbors don’t mind the gate but they’re not that happy with their phone lines being routed through the former president’s guard shack. U.S. Rep Kirsten Gillibrand was named New York’s U.S. Senator on Thursday. She was Hillary’s pick at Caroline’s expense, after Caroline turned on Hillary last year and endorsed Barack Obama. When Hillary took the oath of office as Secretary of State Thursday she had her right hand on the Old Testament passage about smiting your enemy. US Airways pilot Sully Sullenberger got a hero’s welcome home in California on Saturday after he landed a stricken airliner safely on the Hudson River. It was a rare good day in the news for white males. In all the coverage of Martin Luther King Day and the Inauguration, not one commentator called for a cockpit that looks like America. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 1.27.09