Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody? The Wisconsin Supreme Court issued a ruling Tuesday declaring that high school cheerleading is a contact sport like football. Not exactly. In football illegal use of the hands is fifteen yards, while in high school cheerleading it’s fifteen years. President Obama persuaded Democrats Tuesday to take out the money in the stimulus bill for birth control for poor people. It’s too late. Working class couples in Los Angeles are already having octuplets just for the refundable child tax credits. Los Angeles was reported Tuesday to be overrun by coyotes that roam the neighborhoods and eat pet dogs. They’ve completely adjusted to life in the Hollywood Hills. They attract their victims by promising to introduce them to the director of Marley and Me. Al Gore delayed his Congressional testimony about the climate crisis on Tuesday when ice storms made flying to Washington unsafe. He can’t warn about global warming due to the cold weather. Never buy a memory course from a guy who has his pants on backwards. George Mitchell was dispatched to the Mideast Monday and Richard Holbrooke was sent to Pakistan, and Joe Biden is Germany-bound. Hillary must stay home. Until this Illinois governor thing is settled no one from Chicago is allowed to leave the country. U.S. officials admitted Tuesday the Bush administration’s warning about a Somali terror threat on Inauguration Day was a hoax. They couldn’t resist. They didn’t want to miss one more chance to extend their perfect record of being wrong about everything. The U.S. Army opened a fat farm for recruits to shape them up for basic training camp. Obesity has become a problem. The reason we have to keep so many soldiers in Korea is to keep the earth from wobbling from all the troops we have in the Middle East. The Pentagon said Monday a former Guantanamo prisoner is now the chief of al-Qaeda in Yemen. When the U.S. released him they sent him to a terrorist rehab in Saudi Arabia. That is like sending Charles Barkley to Atlantic City to get his act together. Sarah Palin will address the highly exclusive Alfalfa Club in Washington D.C. this weekend. It was founded as a men’s club to honor Robert E. Lee and cherish his character. This would be the first time they ever hired a girl to pop out of the cake. New York’s Governor Dave Paterson denied Tuesday that he spread salacious information about Caroline Kennedy to the press. Nobody’s buying his story. He did such a number on her that every time she’s on television the director puts a blue dot over her face. Barack Obama told Republicans to quit listening to Rush Limbaugh, then he told Citigroup not to buy a jet. He stepped on free speech, then he stepped on private enterprise before his administration was a week old. Most presidents leave a note in the desk for their successors but George W. Bush left a pair of reflector sunglasses. Barack Obama granted the first television interview of his presidency Tuesday to an Arab network in Dubai. He wants to patch things up. President Bush severely damaged our relations with the Muslim world when he told them to take their profits from four dollar per gallon gasoline and invest them in the U.S. housing market. Michael Jackson signed a deal Tuesday to bring Thriller to Broadway as a stage musical. Lawyers are ironing out the details. There’s no truth to the rumor that there will be a special matinee for children in the dressing room with the lights out. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 1.29.09

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