Posted: Monday, February 2, 2009 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Rod Blagojevich gave a lengthy speech to the Illinois Senate Thursday to close his impeachment trial. Afterwards the vote to remove him from office was unanimous. He had to learn the hard way you should never open with a Lincoln joke in Springfield.
US Airways pilot Sully Sullenberger is honored in a new video game called Hero of the Hudson. You try to land an airliner after an attack by birds. If you land safely, people come out on the wing and wave, and if you don’t, the U.S. bombs the Canary Islands.
The Distilled Spirits Council said Friday people are drinking cheaper stuff and they’re drinking at home. We’re starting to see the pattern. Savvy investors just realized when Jeb Bush becomes U.S. president the stocks to own will be Gallo and Kraft.
Cheech and Chong had a reunion show at Radio City Music Hall Saturday in which they espoused a far more sober lifestyle than they did in the Seventies. The guys feel a lot healthier ever since they got the marijuana patch. It’s in their back yard.
Colorado’s Supermax federal prison was put under consideration on Thursday as a place to house the terrorist suspects leaving Guantanamo. How bleak is this prison? When Bob Hope entertained the troops here the girl in the show was Janet Reno.
Hamas declared victory over Israel Friday after the Israeli air campaign wiped out their infrastructure. Their tunnels were destroyed, their hideouts were bombed and their arms factories were leveled. It’s the biggest victory since Lehman Brothers.
Exxon Mobil announced record profits Friday. They made forty-five billion dollars last year. Oil companies used to be the villains, but now that they’re the only industry in America that doesn’t need a bailout, they’re entitled to an apology and maybe reparations.
Las Vegas oddsmakers estimated Friday that half the adults in the United States bet on the Super Bowl. It’s the same old story. Half the country will lose every bet they make and they will still expect eighteen billion dollars in year-end bonuses.
The Super Bowl crowd was screened by facial recognition cameras in the stadium Sunday. Bomb sniffing dogs patrolled the parking lot and overhead aircraft were banned from the sky. The terrorists used to hate us for our freedoms, but now it’s just out of habit.
The Super Bowl did not bring the expected jump in business to Tampa this past weekend. Normally the host city is where CEOs of major national advertisers get together and party. This year the inventor of Snuggies did blow with the Sham Wow guy.
President Obama signed an order Friday to strengthen labor unions. The day before, he mandated California’s emission standards. American cars will soon be so expensive that anyone driving one will automatically be targeted for follow-home robberies.
President Obama labeled the U.S. economy a continuing disaster Friday. His press secretary said the doomsday tone is necessary to pass his programs. He tried to promote hope and change and a brighter future but he couldn’t get it through Congress.
The Peanut Corporation of America recalled all the products containing peanut paste or peanut oil from its Georgia plant. It caused a salmonella outbreak. The difference between salmonella and Rod Blagojevich is that salmonella can see itself out.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Published in The Messenger 2.2.09