HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Michael Phelps was photographed smoking marijuana at a campus party Sunday. He smoked pot and still won eight gold medals, and Barack Obama smoked pot and went on to get elected president. The war on drugs is going worse than the war in Afghanistan.
The Pittsburgh Steelers won the Super Bowl Sunday with President Obama rooting for them in the White House. It was exciting. Arizona would have won but the White House put together a seven-point bailout for the steel industry with a minute to play.
President Obama infuriated liberals Monday by saying that his differences with the Republicans on the stimulus bill are slight. We’ve seen this before. In America you get elected by running to the left of Lenin and you get re-elected by governing to the right of Churchill.
Wall Street companies reported giving out $18 billion in bonuses Thursday. It’s awful. No one wants to say the bonuses are obscene but this month’s centerfold in Hustler shows the spread between Wall Street’s salaries and the rest of the country’s.
The Super Bowl featured an ad Sunday showing Ed McMahon and MC Hammer selling their gold for much-needed cash. It’s a warning to successful men seeking trophy wives. The biggest lie in advertising is that Viagra only costs $12 a pill.
Los Angeles octuplet mother Nadya Suleman was revealed Saturday to be a single mother of 14. The babies’ grandpa went home to Iraq to find a job as a contractor. The only way you can support 14 kids is to be a line item in the Pentagon budget.
Mississippi’s legislature voted permission on Monday for the governor’s office to sell Mississippi’s state jet on eBay. It could fetch a fortune. The jet’s not that valuable but it may be your last chance for eight years to buy a Confederate flag.
Illinois former governor Rod Blagojevich became a national star last week during his battle to keep his job. He was thrown out of office for trying to get money he never actually got. That explains the incompetence count in the articles of impeachment.
Hillary Clinton announced Monday her first trip abroad will be to China, Japan, South Korea and Southeast Asia next week. She said she’s especially looking forward to visiting Indonesia. She will never give up the search for Obama’s birth certificate.
Cuba’s president Raul Castro signed a partnership pact with Moscow Monday and brought best wishes to Russia from his brother Fidel. The man simply refuses to die. Every American president since Harry Truman has been survived by his wife and Fidel Castro.
North Carolina police broke up a cockfighting ring Sunday and arrested 70 people. They found a pile of dead roosters from earlier battles. Police were tipped to it last weekend when they noticed a lot of hens complaining about the man shortage.
President Obama was upset Friday that his image is being used to sell products. It’s tricky. White House lawyers told him under the First Amendment there’s nothing he can do, then Obama told the lawyers that under the First Commandment, you just watch.
HHS nominee Tom Daschle paid up 140 grand in taxes after his returns were examined Monday. Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner paid up thousands after he was vetted. The only thing scarier than getting a letter from the IRS saying you are getting audited is a letter from the White House saying you’ve been nominated.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.
Published in The Messenger 2.04.09