The Pittsburgh Steelers drew a quarter million people for a Super Bowl victory parade Tuesday. Fans showed up at eight in the morning to beat the crowds. It’s the first time anyone in Pittsburgh’s had to set an alarm since the recession started.
Michael Phelps was threatened with arrest by a South Carolina sheriff Tuesday after he was shown in the London Sun smoking pot at a party in Columbia. What can they do? If they lock him up on Parris Island he’ll just swim to safety in record time.
Ashley Judd aired a wildlife advocacy commercial Tuesday blasting Sarah Palin for the aerial killing of wolves. The actress has always been against the practice. The wolf you kill today is the casting director you can’t call for a favor tomorrow.
Los Angeles octuplet mother Nadya Suleman Tuesday set a price for an interview with her at two million dollars. She thinks she can get a TV career by exploiting her children. If this doesn’t work she’s going to marry the Osmond Family choreographer.
Hillary Clinton got a big laugh at her swearing-in ceremony on Monday when she looked at Bill and thanked him for a lifetime of all kinds of experiences. Amid the laughter he turned beet red. We know nothing embarrasses him so he must’ve been angry.
Manny Ramirez turned down a twenty-five million dollar one-year offer from the L.A. Dodgers on Monday. His options are dwindling. He wanted a job in the Obama administration but he’s completely paid up on his taxes and that killed his nomination.
President Obama dropped in on a charter school in Washington D.C. with Michelle Tuesday. They read stories to second-graders. The kids just loved the fairy tale about the former senator who got a free limo from the lobbyist and never did him any favors.
Tom Daschle withdrew his name for HHS Secretary Tuesday. He was nailed by back taxes, lavish speaking fees and his free limo. Once he was thrown out by the voters of South Dakota and didn’t have to obey ethics rules, he was like Hercules unchained.
Tom Daschle paid up his back taxes Tuesday as did Treasury nominee Tim Geithner and ethics nominee Nancy Killefer before she withdrew. It’s starting to add up. If Americans can stay patient, Barack Obama will balance the budget one nominee at a time.
Nancy Killefer withdrew her name for White House ethics enforcer Tuesday after unpaid taxes and liens on her house in Washington came back to haunt her. It’s a shock. Usually when a woman keeps a house in Washington it’s a sex scandal, not a tax scandal.
Iran successfully launched its first satellite into orbit Tuesday, which circled the earth for a couple of days. Reaction was instantaneous. Raytheon salesmen were on the next plane to Tel Aviv with a scale model of their new Satellite Shooter Downer.
The National Realtors Association said on Tuesday that housing sales rebounded in December. Still, we’re not out of the woods. Every time an escrow closes, a Benihana chef is standing there with a knife to slice up the mortgage and sell it to China.
Barack Obama told NBC News Tuesday his administration will limit executive pay for any company that receives help from the financial bailout program. Trophy wives are ready to slit their wrists. If they had known they were going to get stuck with some deadwood capped at a hundred grand a year they would have married for love.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.
Published in The Messenger 2.5.09