HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Super Bowl viewers in Tucson got an eyeful Sunday when a porno movie aired for 30 seconds after the Arizona Cardinals scored late. Fortunately the referees didn’t see it. It’s a 15 yard penalty for excessive celebration after a touchdown.
Arizona Cardinals coach Ken Whisenhunt said he was stunned when he got a Super Bowl post-game call on his cellphone from President Obama. He said nobody has his cellphone number. It’s a creepy way of finding out you’re on the terrorist watch list.
President Obama signed a law Wednesday that offers government health insurance to four million more poor children. It’s much needed. Thanks to all the unregulated Los Angeles fertility clinics, California now grows more poor children than oranges.
Dick Cheney bragged Tuesday about the Bush administration’s record of preventing more terror attacks. That they did. Thanks to the Bush administration policies, if you fly an airliner into a skyscraper today, all you will wipe out is empty office space.
British Prime Minister Gordon Brown said Tuesday he believes the world economy is in a depression. It won’t be anything like the last depression. In downtown Los Angeles there are two separate bread lines, one for whole wheat and one for croissants.
Denny’s gave out two million free Grand Slam breakfasts Tuesday. The breakfast is a big favorite of Democrats. The Republican Grand Slam is when you play golf on Thanksgiving, Christmas, your wife’s birthday and your anniversary, all in one year.
The Washington Post reported Wednesday the stimulus bill was in trouble in the Senate. Republicans point out that the plan gives money to people who don’t pay taxes. Nobody could be in favor of a bill that gives these cabinet appointees anything.
President Obama admitted Tuesday he screwed up screening cabinet nominees. He didn’t examine their tax returns closely enough. He thought he’d ordered them to be picked up during the Inaugural Parade and shipped away to farms for use as fertilizer.
The White House capped salaries for bankers who took the bailout money at $500,000 a year. Wall Street is aghast. Today we’re capping their salaries, tomorrow we’ll be shooting their children in the basement of the Winter Palace.
President Obama agreed to sign a bill giving people without cable TV $40 coupons to buy digital converter boxes before the deadline. A lot of people don’t want Barack Obama to give them a converter box. They like the religion they are.
Illinois Gov. Pat Quinn had the governor’s mansion fumigated Tuesday after Rod Blagojevich was removed from office. It’s a new day. The entire governor’s mansion is being renovated including the den, where they have added a Truth Serum Bar.
Los Angeles Lakers star Kobe Bryant scored a Madison Square Garden record 61 points against the Knicks Monday. He was cheered by opposing fans. The Lakers look so great that people in Los Angeles are already picking out a place to burn down in June.
Michael Phelps apologized Sunday when a newspaper photo showed him smoking pot at a South Carolina campus party. It makes you giddy and lethargic. The drug was introduced in South Carolina 30 years ago in a futile effort to kill the war talk.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Published in The Messenger 2.6.09