Michael Phelps lost his Kellogg’s endorsement Friday after he was photographed smoking pot. His ten-thousand-calorie-a-day diet now makes perfect sense. If you think he makes good time when he swims you should see him eat his way through a 7-Eleven.
The U.S. Border Patrol announced Friday its seven-hundred-mile-long border fence in Texas is only seventy miles short of being completed. The barrier is eighteen feet high. This fence is constantly being knocked down, lately from the American side.
Los Angeles octuplet mother Nadya Suleman went on the Today Show this morning. She’s unemployed and her father will have to support all fourteen of her children. He’s just gone home to Baghdad to work as a flamenco dancer in hopes of finding a landmine.
US Airways captain Sully Sullenberger was interviewed on CBS’ 60 Minutes Sunday. He is a hero. He saved a hundred and fifty-five people that day, depriving their families of the life insurance payout which might have saved their houses from foreclosure.
The San Fernando Valley reported heavy flooding Thursday when winter rains hit Los Angeles. It was just more of the same. Thanks to the housing crisis, Los Angeles real estate is already so far underwater that there are dolphins in the spare bedrooms.
Jane Fonda ripped Bernie Madoff Thursday for scamming so many investors and so many of her close friends out of their life savings. She long ago turned her back on communism. Her latest workout tape shows fifty ways to renegotiate a mortgage.
President Obama ordered a five hundred thousand dollar salary cap on companies who take federal bailout money Wednesday. A lot of people are resisting. Bank of America is just going to have to accept they are never going to sign Manny Ramirez.
Ringling Brothers announced in Sarasota on Thursday that they just named their newborn baby elephant Barack. He was born Monday. The veterinarian got the idea for the name when President Obama said he wants a stimulus bill that was shovel-ready.
President Obama addressed Democrats at Colonial Williamsburg and demanded they pass his stimulus bill. The resort recreates the time when America belonged to Great Britain. People go there to experience what life was like when we were a free country.
The White House ripped Republicans for delaying the stimulus bill Friday. West Wing tempers have really begun to flare. At the rate things are going, White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel may edge Christian Bale for the Nobel Prize for Profanity.
The Senate hesitated to pass the president’s stimulus bill Friday. GOP leaders and talk radio hosts rallied opposition by listing its new spending. Congress had to subsidize cabbage growers to make sure there’d be enough cole slaw to go with the pork.
The White House released grim numbers Friday showing that six hundred thousand people lost their jobs last month. Unemployment is spreading fast. The problem was not helped when everybody who was nominated for the cabinet fired their tax preparers.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.
Published in The Messenger 2.9.09