New York Yankee superstar Alex Rodriguez was reported by Sports Illustrated on Saturday to have tested positive for steroids in anonymous testing six years ago. Everyone in New York City is disgusted. Even Alex Rodriguez turned out to be a bubble.
President Obama warned listeners Saturday that we’re headed for an irreversible catastrophe if the stimulus bill isn’t passed. The radio broadcast didn’t have its intended effect. It set off a nationwide panic that Martians had landed in New Jersey.
The Magna Carta went on display at the Reagan Library Friday. The document was signed eight hundred years ago, setting limits on a king’s power. It stood as the foundation of democracy until President Bush signed an executive order overturning it.
David Beckham acknowledged to sportswriters Saturday that he would rather play soccer for Milan than for the Los Angeles Galaxy. It ended a noble experiment. David Beckham was the first Anglo-Saxon to migrate to Los Angeles since the Dust Bowl.
Michael Phelps was suspended by USA Swimming Saturday when he admitted smoking pot. Barack Obama used pot and Alex Rodriguez used steroids. At the rate Americans are testing positive, the next statue on the National Mall will honor Hunter Thompson.
Octuplet mom Nadya Suleman was on the Today show Monday and downplayed concern about her sanity. She’s addicted to babies and she was hired to work at a fertility clinic. Everyone criticizes unemployment but nobody ever considers the good it can do.
New York Realtors said Friday that mansions in the Hamptons are plummeting in price. Twenty-million-dollar homes are on sale for fifteen million dollars. That is, unless you want the refrigerator stocked with groceries and then it’s sixteen million.
President Obama held a press conference Monday night at the White House. It was his first press conference in prime time. He told his agent he’s sick and tired of throwing away his talents doing daytime television and he wants to go where the money is.
President Obama put a five-hundred-thousand-dollar salary cap on companies that take bailout money. It’s unheard of. Second-string Major League shortstops used to dream of making more money than the president of the Bank of America, and now they do.
Pope Benedict will meet with American Jewish leaders Thursday. The pope’s task is to explain why he reversed the excommunication of a Holocaust-denying bishop. He is going to say that he honestly believed the world was just tired of hearing bad news.
The U.S. Senate stayed in session all weekend battling over the stimulus bill. This bill includes nine hundred thousand dollars to build a Frisbee golf course in Austin. It sounds like they’re throwing away taxpayer money trying turn hippies into Republicans.
President Obama warned Florida of added disaster Tuesday if his stimulus bill isn’t passed. He hasn’t stopped scowling since he took office. Barack Obama believes as an article of faith that you should start each day with a smile, and get it over with.
Senate Republicans blasted fellow GOP senators Olympia Snowe and Arlen Specter and Susan Collins for compromising on the stimulus bill Friday. These three moderate Republicans have gone from being the minority of the minority to controlling the fate of a trillion dollars in government spending. They’ve gained so much muscle so quickly that the Commissioner of Baseball has just banned them from the Hall of Fame.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Published in The Messenger 2.10.09