US Airways pilot Sully Sullenberger described his heroic river landing on CBS’ 60 Minutes. No one can believe the geese were big enough to bring down a passenger jet. The New York Yankees have been asked to stop sharing their needles with wildlife.
New York Yankees superstar Alex Rodriguez admitted in an interview Monday that he used steroids six years ago. This ends years of denials. Once again we should have believed Jose Canseco when he told us that mortgage-backed bonds were worthless.
President Obama was grandiloquent at his first press conference Monday. Each of his answers was at least seven minutes long. He’s only been in office two weeks and already three White House stenographers have been hospitalized for carpal tunnel.
Nadya Suleman’s mom slammed her Monday for contriving to have octuplets on top of the six babies she had already. It’s not all bad. She’s had two marriage proposals from cabinet secretaries who want to get those child tax credits before they file in April.
The Labor Department said Monday women are still paid 78 percent of what men make. For every hundred dollars a congressman makes, a prostitute makes only $78. This violates the law requiring equal pay for equal work.
Senate Republicans dug in Monday and vowed to fight the stimulus bill with all their might. They have basic philosophical differences. Republicans cut down trees to get a clearer view of the green, while Democrats cut down trees to print more money.
The Grammy Awards show aired live from L.A. Sunday as the world’s greatest music acts led by Led Zeppelin took turns performing. They were all sensational. Now that drugs have moved from the music industry to sports, everyone shows up for rehearsal.
Michael Phelps was suspended by USA Swimming after he was photographed smoking pot last week. He lost one endorsement deal, although he’s picked up another one. Kellogg’s dropped him the next day but his face will be on every box of Nabisco’s Shredded Weed.
Hasbro announced Monday its fourth quarter profits dropped 30 percent from last year. Still, investors are optimistic. They expect huge profits when the Pentagon orders 132,000 GI Joe dolls to replace the troops in Iraq.
President Obama vowed in Elkhart Monday to put unemployed recreational vehicle makers back to work. He doesn’t want to boost gas hogs but he wants to boost RV sales. He’s not going to let anyone drive them, he just wants them for housing in New Orleans.
Wall Streeters were reported Monday to be transferring deeds to their mansions to their wives. It was a no-brainer. Given the choice of either hiding their assets from the divorce lawyers or hiding their assets from the SEC, they made the easy choice.
President Obama was grilled by Indianans Monday about why his cabinet nominees didn’t pay taxes. Democrats tried to spin it into a great civil rights victory. Tom Daschle no longer has to sit in the back of the limo, he can sit right behind the wheel.
NATO officials asked Sunday for more German troops in the Afghan war but right now German soldiers are not allowed to serve on the front lines. Las Vegas is watching closely. If the German Army enters the war the over-under is three countries.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.
Published in The Messenger 2,12.09