LA JOLLA — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Weather Channel showed tornadoes hitting Oak Tree Country Club near Oklahoma City Tuesday, 10 years after a twister hit the Oklahoma City Golf and Country Club. The communists are everywhere. Even the tornadoes are trying to spread the wealth.
Charles Darwin is celebrated on Friday on the 200th anniversary of the Father of Evolution’s birth in England. By coincidence, Abe Lincoln was born on the same day. Only basketball ever caused more fighting in Kansas than these two guys.
Alex Rodriguez admitted Monday that he used steroids after signing the richest sports contract ever. Barack Obama did cocaine and became president and Michael Phelps smoked pot and won the Olympics. The message to young people is, it’s high at the top.
Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said Monday he’ll meet with the U.S., but only under strict conditions. There’s something to be said for bad relations. If Iran has a missile that can reach Pearl Harbor, we could be out of this depression in no time.
The International starring Clive Owen opens today about an Interpol cop who brings down a corrupt bank in New York. It’s sorealistic. Tickets are $100, $10 to see the movie and $90 to bail out the bank on its way down.
Confessions of a Shopaholic is released in theaters nationwide on Friday. Just two days earlier, the Senate, the Treasury Secretary and the Fed chairman proposed spending $3 trillion in one day. It’s the most aggravating movie promotion since Cecil B. DeMille placed the Ten Commandments on courthouse lawns across America.
Prince Harry broke up Monday with his fiancee, who alleges he’s always flirting with other girls. That’s what happens. From birth they have been training Prince William to be King of England and Prince Harry to be president of the United States.
President Obama’s press conference answers ran so long Monday that one network cut away from him in mid-answer to cover the Westminster Dog Show in New York. No one was upset. It was comforting to libertarians to see that no matter how much power the president grabs for himself, he’ll never be powerful enough to pre-empt a dog show.
The Westminster Dog Show got under way in New York City Monday. Handlers placed Vicks Vapo Rub on the noses of males so they can’t smell the females in heat during the show. If Hillary Clinton had known this trick she might still be the little woman.
The Westminster Dog Show was picketed Monday by animal rights activists dressed in Ku Klux Klan robes. The show always draws protests. Last year a Korean health group was there to protest the fact that one dog has more grams of fat than a Big Mac.
Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner rolled out the administration’s plan to relieve bank balance sheets Tuesday. They want to create an environment where people feel encouraged to purchase toxic assets. They should try to find out how Studio 54 did it.
McDonald’s announced a big jump in sales Monday as the economic slump has drawn upscale diners from fancy restaurants to the Golden Arches. The new customers are easy to spot. They order red wine with a Big Mac and white wine with Filet o’ Fish.
President Obama held a town hall meeting in Fort Myers Tuesday, following a stump speech carried by the cable news channels in which he badgered Congress to agree on a stimulus bill. He was on television for two solid hours. He’s trying to cut back.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Published in The Messenger 2,.13.09