HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Los Angeles Clippers former general manager Elgin Baylor sued team owner Donald Sterling Thursday alleging he ran the team like a Southern plantation. For crying out loud, this is Los Angeles. The whippings in the locker room were sexual, not racist.
Houston Astros star Miguel Tejada plea-bargained with federal prosecutors over his untruthful testimony to congressional staffers about steroid use. He pleaded guilty to lying to Congress. It’s the moral equivalent of overcharging an oil company.
Bud Selig said Friday he may suspend Alex Rodriguez for steroid use six years ago. Back then, using steroids wasn’t against the rules of baseball, it was merely illegal. If Bud Selig suspends every player who ever broke the law, the Vatican City Friars would have trouble fielding a team because they once tested positive for swastikas.
Nadya Suleman was revealed Friday to be supporting her six children with food stamps, disability and welfare, and that was before she had eight babies who are still in the hospital at state expense. Californians are getting resentful. She has personally caused the layoff of two teachers and the cancellation of a highway project.
Sean Penn announced Thurs-day he will star in a movie about the life of Larry Fine of the Three Stooges. Finding people to play Moe and Curly won’t be any problem. At the rate people are leaving the Obama cabinet there are plenty of stooges available.
President Obama will give his State of the Union speech in the U.S. Capitol next week. He will address a joint session of Congress and the gallery. The gallery is for spectators and disinterested bystanders, but the Republicans have to sit somewhere.
Toyota announced Tuesday it will lay off 10 percent of its U.S. workforce. Its 3,000 U.S. executives will get cuts in salary and no bonuses. Franklin D. Roosevelt counterattacked over less damage than this and ended the Great Depression.
Illinois’s impeached former governor Rod Blagojevich was offered a minor league baseball contract by the Joliet Jackhammers Thursday. The team should offer him a job in the box office. No one has more experience selling seats than Rod Blagojevich.
The Weather Channel aired footage of tornado destruction in Oklahoma and Texas Monday. The next day contractors reported huge orders from senior citizens buying tornado shelters. Southerners aren’t afraid to die, but they’re not about to be killed.
The U.S. Navy captured 16 Somali pirates in a ship off Africa Friday. The pirates were seizing Saudi oil tankers, holding them ransom, then throwing beer and cocaine parties with hookers in Mogadishu with the ransom money. These guys are smarter than we thought, if they had invested this money they’d have nothing to show for it.
Hillary Clinton was sent on a diplomatic mission to Asia over the weekend. She left on Valentine’s Day and will be out of the country for a week. President Obama wanted to do something nice for Bill Clinton after forcing him to disclose his donors.
Senate Democrats refused to co-sponsor a bill protecting free speech on radio last week. They want the Fairness Doctrine back. Liberals are convinced their economic program will work if they can just get Rush Limbaugh to stop pointing out why it won’t.
Houston Astros star Miguel Tejada might be sent home to the Dominican Republic by the Immigration Department after lying to Congress about steroids. There are similar stories. When Lucky Luciano came to America as a little boy a hundred years ago he had one nickel, and by the time he was deported he was worth $50 million.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.
Published in The Messenger 2.16.09