HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama signed a stimulus bill Tuesday which will build a high-speed train between Southern California and Las Vegas. It should be finished about the time O.J. Simpson is paroled. This will give him an easy commute between robberies and murders.
Congress rushed passage of the stimulus bill Saturday before anyone could read it. Democrats said they can do whatever they want because they won the election. Republicans reminded them that Venezuela’s results aren’t binding in the United States.
Barack Obama said Friday the Food and Drug Administration will enforce tougher standards for food safety inspections. The president means business. He doesn’t want to end the war in Iraq just to lose four thousand people a year to peanut butter.
Matt Kenseth won the Daytona 500 at the Daytona International Speedway Sunday. A lot of the crew members had been laid off. Matt Kenseth won by a lap because the Triple-A truck arrived to change his tires a minute before they arrived to change Dale Earnhardt Jr.’s.
Sports Illustrated detailed Alex Rodriguez’s steroid use six years ago in this week’s issue. He claims that he doesn’t know what steroid he took. Investigators are looking for a particular steroid that’s undetectable until it de-activates in October.
Chris Brown beat up his girlfriend, superstar singer Rihanna, even though she is a protege of rap mogul Jay-Z, who vowed always to protect her. This is going to cost the U.S. taxpayers a lot of money. AIG just sold a life insurance policy to Chris Brown.
Stormy Daniels said Tuesday she may run for U.S. Senate in Louisiana against GOP Senator David Vitter. She’s a porno star and he hired hookers. The publicity this contest would attract would get gumbo removed from every school lunch menu in America.
A U.S. satellite collided head-on with a Russian satellite Friday while orbiting the Earth five hundred miles above Siberia. You know what this means. Dick Cheney’s been out of office for a month and already he is playing video games with his iPhone.
Hillary Clinton warned North Korea Monday they must live up to their commitment to refrain from missile tests. That got a laugh. If Hillary had any commitment-enforcing experience, North Korean parades wouldn’t feature missiles shaped like cigars.
President Obama dropped the idea of appointing a Car Czar Tuesday and he opted instead to supervise the auto industry with a committee. It’s a sign of the times. You know socialism’s in full bloom whenever the czar is being replaced by a committee.
EBay’s former CEO Meg Whitman filed papers with GOP officials Friday to run for California governor. It was just a matter of time before an eBay expert showed up. The state’s finances are so bad we are to starting attract online liquidation specialists.
Bridges TV Network founder Muzzammil Hassan of Buffalo was arrested by police Friday for beheading his wife after an argument. He founded the TV network five years ago to counter the negative image of Muslims. Now it’s back to the drawing board.
The Taliban pulled off a stunning deal with Pakistan’s government Monday which gives them the border region. It’s great news. Now that Osama bin Laden has his own government, some brother-in-law will turn him in for not giving him a Senate seat.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Published in The messenger 2.18.09