Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?

Shaquille O’Neal left one of his size 23 basketball shoes for Barack Obama in Phoenix Wednesday. He meant well. It was awkward when President Obama had to evict the family that was living in the shoe because they couldn’t pay the mortgage.

President Obama spelled out a $75 billion plan to prevent home foreclosures on Wednesday. The next generation is starting to get edgy about all this huge debt. Yesterday morning Sasha and Malia asked for their allowance in gold.

Travis the Chimp was killed by Connecticut police Monday after he mauled his owner’s friend. This nature-loving has got to stop. Tarzan and Jane had their first fight over whether Cheetah was going to be a pet or a coat.

Alan Greenspan told the Economic Club of New York on Tuesday the U.S. government may have to take over the banks. Next it’ll be the automakers and airlines. In six weeks, President Obama will throw out the first pitch for the Washington Nationalized.

The Skull and Bones Society at Yale was sued by the Apache Tribe Wednesday. They say members stole Geronimo’s remains decades ago and keep them in the clubhouse. This is a heads-up to the bin Laden family to bury him where the Bushes can’t find him.

Smash-Me Bernie went on display at the New York Toy Fair Tuesday. It’s a doll of the swindler that comes with a hammer so you can smash it. Last night people swear they saw Bernie Madoff riding through Central Park on Lance Armstrong’s bicycle.

Hillary Clinton was serenaded by Indonesian schoolgirls on the runway when she landed in Jakarta. She hurried down the steps from the plane to the tarmac with her head down. When she runs for president in eight years it will look like she is under sniper fire.

Tulsa Airport was the testing ground on Wednesday for the new body scanners. They see through clothes. The rest of America has four weeks to get the necessary plastic surgery to keep from being arrested at the Los Angeles airport for sagging.

Los Angeles officials said Wednesday they’ll order residential water rationing which limits watering lawns to only two days a week. We live in the desert. Three months ago a fundamentalist church in Thousand Oaks laid off the landscaper and now it looks like the end is near.

The NFL had its annual scouting combine in Indianapolis this week for incoming draftees. Players are tested for speed, strength, agility and intelligence. They give an acting award at the end of the week for the guy who gives the best steroid apology.

Alex Rodriguez asked baseball fans Tuesday to forgive him. He said he never took steroids, then he admitted doing steroids, then he said he can’t remember what he took. He’s changed his story so many times he could be the next senator from Illinois.

Attorney General Eric Holder declared on Wednesday that America is essentially a nation of cowards when it comes to race. Cowardice is a strong word. Memo to the millions of descendants of Union Army soldiers, if you want gratitude, get a dog.

Abe Lincoln was honored by the U.S. Mint Wednesday with four new pennies showing depictions of events in his life. His legacy is twofold. His life put an end to owning slaves in America and his death put an end to heckling actors from the balcony.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.