HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Tiger Woods announced Friday he’ll return to the PGA Tour this week after knee surgery knocked him off the tour for seven long months. He’s anxious to get back to work. All his corporate sponsors paid him in company stock and now he is destitute.
The Governor’s Ball served chicken pot pie to the movie stars after the Oscars Sunday. The studios didn’t want to offend the public with opulence and glamour. They decided on chicken pot pie after Gainsburgers refused to give them a volume discount.
New York’s Fashion Week began Friday with the new clothing lines being modeled in front of buyers and celebrities sitting along the runway. The recession has hit the fashion industry hard. Some of those models look like they haven’t eaten in two years.
President Obama’s huge housing bailout plan Thursday ignited a nationwide fury all week. Homeowners who pay their mortgages on time are enraged at having to pay the mortgages of their delinquent neighbors. Only two weeks after President Bush moved into his new house, the real estate industry is being destroyed by sectarian violence.
Iraqi reporter Muntadar al-Zaidi was in court Friday for throwing two shoes at President Bush at a press conference in Iraq. The problem is, it caught on. Last week President Bush was almost killed by flying cleats at the Colonial Golf and Country Club.
Swiss bank UBS agreed Friday to pay the U.S. three-quarters of a billion dollars for helping Americans evade income taxes. The bank will reveal who they are. Alex Rodriguez could end up breaking Bill Clinton’s record with two confessions in one week.
Alex Rodriguez’s apology was undercut Thursday by reports that he traveled all last season with a known steroids dealer. This is big. He’s such a dead duck that Exxon Mobil has agreed to pay New York ten million dollars in damages in case there’s any oil on him.
North Korea threatened war Friday as Secretary of State Hillary Clinton landed in South Korea for an official visit. There’s nothing the U.S. can do to keep North Korea from attacking. We have enough trouble trying to keep the chimps from attacking.
Governor Sarah Palin was ordered to pay sixteen thousand dollars in back state income taxes. The news traveled fast. As soon as everyone in Washington D.C. heard that she was delinquent on her taxes she became the front runner for Health Secretary.
The White House calmed the markets Friday by informing Wall Street the federal government won’t nationalize the banks. It’s a new world. Panhandlers are sitting outside 7-Elevens asking passers-by for a dollar so they can buy a share of Citigroup.
Chicago officials revealed Friday that Barack Obama still owes the city nearly two million for his election night victory party in Grant Park. This is a lesson for us all. As soon as you give someone a free house they stop paying all their bills.
President Obama invited eighty-six mayors to the White House Friday. He warned them he will name them and shame them if they waste the bailout money, and the crowd of mayors laughed out loud. It’s the biggest laugh anyone from Chicago has gotten since John Belushi told a class of incoming freshmen to study hard and drink moderately.
Illinois Governor Pat Quinn demanded Friday that Senator Roland Burris resign from the U.S. Senate. Burris neglected to mention he was asked to raise money for the disgraced former governor who appointed him. The Westminster Kennel Club’s winning dog just offered to donate his hind leg to science for research on Illinois politics.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.
Published in The Messenger 2.23.09