Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Bush said Wednes-day that if Iran pursues a nuclear program, World War Three could result. Every comedian recognizes his dilemma. The Iraq war didn’t get the big laugh he expected so now he’s going to try to top it before he goes off stage.
Ellen DeGeneres got into a fight with an animal agency Tuesday about a dog she rescued and gave to a family. It’s a bad week for animal lovers. Yesterday Sen. Larry Craig went to a local petting zoo and some of the animals resisted his advances.
Mexico’s National Chamber of Tequila Industry said Tuesday that bars worldwide are being flooded with counterfeit tequila. They said the counterfeit tequila could cause brain damage. So the copies are virtually indistinguishable from the real thing.
Don Imus signed a deal to return to radio in December. He got a multi-million dollar buyout from CBS, then signed a multi-million deal with ABC. Heather Mills McCartney just took out a full-page ad insulting the Rutgers women’s basketball team.
Russian chess champion Garry Kasparov began a U.S. speaking tour Wednesday. He’s a political opponent of Vladimir Putin. He keeps a chess clock on his dinner table and punches it every time he takes a bite, and if he doesn’t die, it’s his bite again.
Michael Vick’s pit bulls were gathered up at his Virginia property Tuesday and neutered by the order of a Richmond federal judge. He’s got the power to neuter attack dogs. So at last there may be someone who can stop Dick Cheney from invading Iran.
Saddam Hussein’s jailer, Col. William Steele, was court-martialed for treason in Baghdad Thursday. He bought a box of Cuban cigars for the jailed dictator. The colonel apparently saw how the war was going and wanted to end up on the winning side.
The Justice Department began investigating Sara Lee Tuesday for any possible fraud in its U.S. defense contracts. The crackdown on Sara Lee was long overdue. Fifteen percent of the Iraqi civilian casualties have been from the obesity epidemic.
The Dalai Lama received the Congressional Gold Medal in Washington Wednesday. He was honored for his commitment to achieving political change through non-violent means. President Bush came to the ceremony because he had never seen a unicorn before.
Jenna Bush told Larry King last week she doesn’t watch television because she can’t stand seeing her dad criticized. There’s not much she can watch. The only place you can be sure that his name won’t be mentioned is in a Republican presidential debate.
The National Democratic Party scheduled a presidential debate in November to be held in Las Vegas. The city is the perfect atmosphere for a big debate moment. Hillary Clinton could bring down the house and sew up the nomination by promising looser sluts.
Fred Thompson said Wednes-day he may support raising Medicare co-payments for rich Americans. He himself has Medicare and Screen Actors Guild coverage, plus U.S. Senate coverage. He’s married to a woman 24 years younger so he needs every bit of it.
John McCain trotted out his 95-year-old mother at his speech in South Carolina Wednesday to show that he’s not too old to be president. He’ll do anything to get elected. To prove he’s not going to die in office, he makes his mother do 100 push-ups every morning while he watches old videos of Richard Nixon in action.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 10.19.07

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