HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama gives his State of the Union address tonight to Congress. In his first month the economy’s collapsed, Wall Street’s crashed and the debt’s tripled. Al-Qaeda just recalled all their sleeper cells in America saying their work is done here.
The Academy Awards was a decidedly less lavish show in Hollywood Sunday. Everyone wanted to look like they understand the dire economic situation. When they went for their botox injections they told the doctor to leave one little frown line.
Alex Rodriguez was reported seen with steroid connected trainer Angel Presinal last year. Even his name sounds like a steroid. Having a trainer named Presinal is like having a bodyguard named Bullets and expecting people not to draw any conclusions.
Rihanna’s police photos after her beating by Chris Brown were leaked to the media Friday, showing her with blackened eyes, a swollen nose, bloody lips and facial bruises. The beating could have been worse. She could have owned General Motors stock.
Hillary Clinton met with China’s President Hu Jintao in the palace in Beijing Saturday. She sat grim-faced as China’s president issued a stern warning. The last thing the Obama administration wants to hear right now is that communism doesn’t work.
Tiger Woods returns to the PGA Tour this week in Tucson in the Accenture Match Play Championship. Everyone’s glad. He absolutely hates any noise on his backswing, so maybe the stock market will be polite enough not to crash on Thursdays and Fridays.
The U.S. Court of Appeals in San Francisco Friday struck down the new California law which banned the sale of violent video games to minors. You can only protect children so far. The hottest game on the market right now is Grand Theft Pension Fund.
Houston hedge fund manager R. Allen Stanford was arrested Friday for defrauding his clients. None of them can get to their money. There are two types of people in this economy, people who don’t have jobs and people whose accounts have been frozen.
Bristol Palin said last week it’s normal for teen couples in Alaska to engage in sex. Traditions vary. High school seniors in Los Angeles are required to take sex education, so they can learn how to increase their turnover and double their revenues.
The State Department warned college students not to travel to Mexico on spring break. They’d be walking into an open shooting war between the police and cocaine runners. It does offer parents having trouble making tuition payments one more option.
The Pentagon announced it’s testing exit routes from Iraq Saturday in order to make the eventual U.S. troop withdrawal smooth. It’s just window dressing. By the time U.S. troops withdraw from Iraq, each soldier will be able to leave in a flying car.
Iraqi officials said Friday they will open a museum of Saddam Hussein’s abuses as dictator in one wing of a prison. Don’t miss it. The museum will cover Saddam’s entire dictatorship from his beginning as a CIA plant to his death as a CIA scapegoat.
President Obama angered many Americans last week by removing the bust of Winston Churchill from the Oval Office. Two-thirds of the country is of British descent. If Barack Obama had told the American people during the campaign that he was going to open his presidency by insulting Great Britain, he wouldn’t have carried Detroit.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Published in The Messenger 2.24.09