HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama held a Fiscal Responsibility Summit in the White House Monday, where he pushed lawmakers to support universal health care coverage. We don’t need it. Now that Dick Cheney has retired, the life expectancy of the universe has doubled.
Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal delivered the Republican Party’s response to the president’s State of the Union speech last night. People were excited to see him making his speech. Everyone just assumed it was another award for Slumdog Millionaire.
New Orleans observed Mardi Gras Tuesday with wild street parties in the French Quarter. There’s only one rule guys have to follow in that town. Never go home with a woman wearing an NBA championship ring, no matter how much you love tall women.
Washington state adopted doctor-assisted suicide into law Monday. It’s tightly regulated. They look at your insurance policy and they look at your brokerage statement and then they offer you the option that gets you out of trouble the fastest.
Mount Vernon in Virginia observed George Washington’s birthday Sunday. He made money off the plantation by growing tobacco and hemp, brewing beer, and distilling whiskey. So it may not have been his kindness which kept his slaves from running away.
Arnold Schwarzenegger agreed to act in Sylvester Stallone’s new movie. They’ve both had huge success in the movie business. The difference between movies and baseball is, in movies you can quit doing steroids after only three hits and still get a big contract.
Steven Spielberg was reported Monday to be ready to roll the cameras on his new Abe Lincoln movie, which stars Liam Neeson. It’ll probably win next year’s Academy Award. It is considered way outside the box to cast a white actor to play Abe Lincoln.
New Yorkers were furious Monday after a local jury awarded two million dollars to a drunk who fell in front of a subway train. He turned a three-dollar bottle of wine into two million dollars. Democrats who have given up on Barack Obama have a new Jesus.
George W. Bush dropped by Elliot’s Hardware in Dallas Saturday and he posed for pictures with customers. He’s still getting blame for the downturn. Last night his plane had to make an emergency landing when a flock of shoes flew into the jet engines.
Israel announced Monday that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton will visit the West Bank and Israel next week. She’s going to lecture the Israelis and the Palestinians on how to live side by side, even though they hate each other. No one’s better qualified.
Mexico’s political stability came under question on Tuesday due to anarchy and drug wars. It’s not likely to attract an al-Qaeda presence. If their idea of heaven is seventy-two virgins, they are not going to like Cabo San Lucas during spring break.
House Democrats introduced a spending bill Monday that loosens travel restrictions to Cuba. At this point you have to figure, why not? If the United States were any more socialist, the Castro brothers would allow us to base missiles on the island.
The White House hinted Monday that the federal government might purchase forty percent of Citigroup and maybe Bank of America too. Wall Street is in a complete meltdown. When President Bush promised we would defeat al-Qaeda eight years ago, no one thought it was a competition to see who could knock down more real estate, us or them.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Published in The Messenger 2.25.09