HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama gave his State of the Union speech Tuesday in the Capitol. One cabinet member stayed out of the building. That’s so in case of a cataclysmic event somebody would still be alive to go on television and crash the markets every morning.
Attorney General Eric Holder was absent from the State of the Union Tuesday to ensure continuity of government. It’s silly to think a bomb would go off during the president’s speech. The destruction occurs when Congress votes, not when they listen.
The White House revealed Tuesday that the speechwriters at first wanted Barack Obama’s speech to Congress to sound Reaganesque. They finally decided against it. They did not think he could carry off those anecdotes about working with Errol Flynn.
President Obama made a pitch for higher education to Congress Tuesday. He said he wants to make sure that no one drops out of high school and every student stays in college. How does he think he’s going to get re-elected by bringing back the draft?
President Obama vowed Tuesday to shore up the banks’ cash to get credit flowing again. It was the exact same speech Bush gave in October, but Obama gave a much better reading. We were so smart to keep holding auditions til we found the best actor.
Canada’s prime minister said Canada’s banks are sound because they have no loan program like Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae for poor credit risks. That settles it. The best way to solve America’s banking crisis is to give O.J. Simpson a weekend pass and a hunting knife, then tell him that Fannie Mae’s been cheating on him with Freddie Mac.
The Los Angeles Dodgers closed in on re-signing superstar slugger Manny Ramirez to a huge three-year deal Tuesday. He doesn’t have any choice. The government has told Manny Ramirez if he does not sign the contract they are going to nationalize him.
German scientist Konrad Dannenberg died in Alabama Monday at ninety-six. After he invented the V-2 rocket for Nazi Germany the U.S. snatched him and brought him to America, where he founded the U.S. missile program. He is survived by the human race.
US Airways pilot Sully Sullenberger testified in Congress Monday that airlines must restore high pilot pay to keep the skies safe. Not necessarily. It would be a lot cheaper simply to pay the birds to stop attacking us like we did the Iraqi insurgents.
Congress heard testimony Tuesday that a goose may have brought down a helicopter in Louisiana last month. The number of Canadian geese that live in America year-round has grown from one million to four million in the last eighteen years. Once they started getting jobs in the construction industry there was no way they were going home.
The California Assembly will consider a new bill to regulate and tax marijuana as a legally grown substance. This could save the state. Since you can’t transport it across state lines, it would force everybody to come to California and buy a house.
Vietnam veterans picketed Jane Fonda’s new play at the Eugene O’Neill Theater on Broadway. They’re still angry she flew to Hanoi forty years ago and predicted the communists would win. It’s a disputed win until we know whether the U.S. government is going to take over forty-nine percent of the banks or fifty-one percent of the banks.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 2.26.09
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