President Obama told U.S. Marines in Camp Lejeune Friday he will bring U.S. combat troops home from Iraq next year. The troops looked uncomfortable at the thought of coming home. They’ve all had family and friends who got killed in the stock market.
Wall Street sank Friday as the government took over Citigroup in New York. It’s the worst February in the market in eighty years. If the Dow Jones goes any lower, James Earl Jones will be the only one who is able to read the business news every day.
Georgia law enforcement agents Tuesday arrested members of an assisted suicide group called the Final Exit Network. It’s against the law in Georgia to help someone commit suicide. If they want to eat the peanut butter you can’t open the jar for them.
Michael Vick was ordered under house arrest Friday after doing his prison time for dogfighting. This could work out for him. When the house goes into foreclosure and the marshals come to evict him he can say that he’s got a court order to be there.
Los Angeles octuplet mom Nadya Suleman was offered one million dollars to star in a porno film Wednesday and the next day she was seen shopping for a million dollar home in fashionable Westwood. No one’s upset. In this market, a buyer’s a buyer.
Manny Ramirez refused a forty-five million dollar offer from the L.A. Dodgers on Friday. It was a misunderstanding. He’s under the impression that if he takes the forty-five million, Barney Frank will tell him which pitches he’s allowed to swing at.
Bank of America canceled a deal to sponsor Yankee Stadium on Friday. The bank feared negative publicity after taking bailout money. Every time the grounds crew pulled the tarp over the field it would just remind taxpayers they are getting soaked.
Vijay Singh wore the hat and logo of Stanford Financial Group at the Accenture Match Play Championship, despite the firm’s shutdown by SEC regulators on suspicion of pulling an eight billion dollar fraud. Perhaps he hadn’t yet heard. Vijay’s new financial adviser looked at his books and advised him to go home to India and try to get on a game show.
President Obama vowed Thursday his new budget includes tax cuts for the middle class and poor but wealthy people must pay more. He really thinks he’s Robin Hood. When he wore the green tights to Capitol Hill last week, he had Barney Frank at hello.
Citigroup agreed to a plan Friday that will allow the federal government to own thirty-six percent of all common shares in the bank. Shareholders don’t know what to do. The stock is so watered down even Las Vegas bartenders are refusing to sell it.
The U.S. Senate Intelligence Committee will investigate the CIA’s torture methods this week. It’s a seminar. President Obama wants to learn how to get honest answers when he asks his Commerce Secretary nominees if they have ever done anything illegal.
The Conservative Political Action Committee held a convention in Washington D.C. over the weekend, drawing thousands. The star speakers in the hotel ballroom were Rush Limbaugh, Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney. These are three great figures, and to qualify to be a Republican in these times all you have to be worth is three figures.
Fidel Castro was reported Friday to have taken a walk through Havana last week looking healthier than he has in years. He certainly must feel vindicated. Barack Obama used his ideas to get elected and Bill Clinton used his cigars to get impeached.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Published in The Messenger 3.2.09