HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Hollywood Bowl sold out its Easter sunrise service six weeks in advance last week. That’s never happened in its history. A recent poll showed that sixty percent of Americans believe in miracles, the rest are able to move in with relatives.
New England Patriots star Tom Brady married Gisele Bundchen in Santa Monica on Friday. She’s a German supermodel and he’s the handsomest quarterback who ever lived. They’re going to live in a bomb shelter and breed a race of perfect people.
The White House said Thursday the U.S. government will stop raiding medical marijuana clinics in places where it’s legal. Reaction was swift. The next day Michael Phelps said he had a doctor’s prescription to go to that party in South Carolina last month.
New York Yankees executives worked the phones around the clock Friday trying to sell luxury boxes in the new Yankee Stadium. The clock’s ticking. If they’re not all occupied by opening day, Barney Frank is going to move homeless people into them.
President Obama said Friday he will pull all U.S. troops from Iraq next year. It is about time. The U.S. has been in Iraq for so long, we can’t remember if weapons of mass destruction are something we made up or something we paid someone to make up.
The White House released statistics Friday showing that unemployment could soon reach ten percent nationwide. The big cities are hit hardest. Things are so tough in Los Angeles that if you throw a dog a bone, the dog has to signal for a fair catch.
Rush Limbaugh spoke to the Conservative Political Action Conference in a speech that was televised live from coast to coast. He’s enjoying record-high ratings for his radio show and people cheer him wherever he goes. So far the only American to benefit from Barack Obama’s policies is Rush Limbaugh.
Prime Minister Gordon Brown arrives today for a meeting with President Obama. A month ago Obama ejected Churchill’s bust from the Oval Office over differences in policy. Churchill offered blood, sweat, toil and tears, and Barack Obama doesn’t require toil.
Barack Obama declared in his Saturday address he came to Washington to provide the sweeping changes the people of the United States demanded by electing him. He believes it’s morally right to soak the rich because they’re feasting on the ill-gotten gains of colonialism. He’s bored with being Jesus, he’s decided to be Gandhi.
The Senate announced plans this week to probe CIA torture during the Bush administration. We now know that waterboarding just doesn’t work. Wall Street has been under water since September and bankers still won’t say what they did with the money.
Los Angeles octuplet mom Nadya Suleman turned down an offer of free child care and a place to live Friday after the facility refused to allow cameras in for a reality show. She’s already hooked on media attention. Ten years from now, the Democrats will be moaning about the sentencing disparity between powdered celebrity and crack celebrity.
A sad note: I was so deeply saddened to hear of the loss of my good friend, broadcasting legend Paul Harvey, on Saturday. He will be missed. The airwaves will always feel a little emptier without him. Condolences to his son, Paul Harvey, Jr., and to everyone who knew him and loved him.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.
Published in The Messenger 3.3.09