Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The USC Trojans got a scare on their charter flight to South Bend Thursday for the Notre Dame game. Their plane plummeted in a lightning storm, forcing the pilot to abort the landing. Even God doesn’t like the NCAA sanctioning Oklahoma but not USC.
David Copperfield’s warehouse in Las Vegas was raided Friday by federal agents who seized his computer hard drive, digital camera chip and two million dollars in cash. It’s a shame. You miss one mortgage payment nowadays and you lose everything.
The White House announced Friday that French President Nicolas Sarkozy will be President Bush’s guest next month. This is ominous news for Iran. There’s enough testosterone in Washington D.C. as it is without adding a divorced Frenchman to the mix.
The FDA announced Thursday it will order the makers of anti-impotence drugs to add new label warnings. It turns out that drugs like Viagra can cause hearing loss. This explains why so many Republican presidential debates turn into shouting matches.
Nobel Prize-winning scientist James Watson apologized Friday after saying that blacks aren’t as intelligent as whites. He won the Nobel for discovering DNA. If it weren’t for his work, Bill Clinton would not have had to get his wife a Senate seat.
Senator Sam Brownback of Kansas withdrew from the GOP presidential race Friday as polls showed him going nowhere. The campaign was a real learning experience for him. Being raised and educated in the great state of Kansas, he thought survival of the fittest was just a theory.
Current Biology journal reports this month that modern humans share a speech gene with Neanderthal Man, according to researchers who extracted DNA from fossils found in Spain. Of course, they could be wrong. They are only scientists, they’re not preachers.
GOP candidates addressed Christian conservatives in Washington D.C. Friday. Mitt Romney is having trouble overcoming the M-word. No matter what Southern Baptists tell the pollsters, they’re never going to vote for a former governor of Massachusetts.
Pensacola was hit Tuesday by a freak tornado which leveled the city. It’s hard to believe all that destruction began with a drop of rain. In a related story, the first Baby Boomer eligible for Social Security filed for retirement benefits Thursday.
The Weather Channel showed tornadoes hitting seven states from the Middle West down to Florida Tuesday. The footage was frightening. Democratic congressmen took to the floor and accused President Bush of destroying Kentucky for his own amusement.
Congressman Pete Stark of San Francisco refused to apologize Friday for saying President Bush is amused by casualties in Iraq. His constituents back him. It has Arabs wondering if democracy can ever take hold in a country torn by warring factions.
New York’s Mercantile Exchange saw oil hit a record ninety dollars a barrel on Friday, causing the Dow Jones to plummet. Economists are alarmed by the combination. If you look at President Bush’s face closely, you can see he has his father’s recession.
Homeland Security ran a test Tuesday and found that Los Angeles Airport security screeners missed seventy-five percent of the fake bombs carried through the X-ray machines. There was an explanation. The new X-ray machines only screen for fake boobs.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 10.22.07

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