HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Wall Street held firm Monday after four straight winning stock sessions. Folks feel like they can make money again. Last month six hundred thousand people were laid off, which greatly increases your odds of winning the NCAA tournament office pool.
America’s Next Top Model was holding open auditions Sunday when tens of thousands of models stampeded on the street outside the studio in Manhattan. It was a sign of the economy. Every woman who hasn’t eaten in three weeks now thinks she is a model.
Phil Mickelson won at Doral Sunday despite food poisoning from calamari he ate Friday. He finally ate a peanut butter sandwich on Sunday. Phil’s known for his reckless play on the golf course but the man was risking his life eating peanut butter.
The Treasury Department began examining the financial assets of Bernie Madoff’s wife, Ruth Madoff, Monday. She has jewelry, yachts, a Palm Beach mansion and fifty million in municipal bonds. She’s an ideal mark for a con man, but we knew that already.
The Los Angeles Lakers were accused of planning to lose late-season games to avoid playing the Portland Trailblazers in the playoffs. L.A. fans are very upset. There’s something unseemly about losing on purpose just to get a bonus from AIG.
The White House went berserk over AIG traders getting bonuses Monday. They sold insurance on mortgage-backed securities backed by bad loans. They pulled off such an illusion that they were all lucky they weren’t eaten by a white tiger in Las Vegas.
President Obama vowed Monday to go after AIG traders who got bonuses. He wants to ruin them. If they spend the hundred and sixty-five million they could stimulate the economy and get us out of this crisis before Obama has time to pass his health care plan.
Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke sounded cautious about the economy Sunday. He could be forced to call out the military. After he fixes the banks, he’s got to bring in a few drunken sailors to coach the American consumers back to their old spending habits.
Major League umpires started a training camp Monday to teach U.S. Marines who’ve just returned from Iraq how to umpire ballgames. It’s a crash course. It’s the first sign that the ballplayers aren’t giving up steroids when we have to bring in the Marines to keep sectarian violence from breaking out between the Yankees and Red Sox.
The National Action on Obesity group urged schools Monday to save kids by seizing the soda and candy in their lunchboxes. This worship of children must stop. You always hear about deadbeat dads but you never hear about the kids who simply aren’t worth the child support.
President Obama will appear on Jay Leno’s Tonight Show Thursday while he’s in Los Angeles. It’s a good idea. President Obama wants to try out some new policy ideas and this way he can find out if they get laughs before he springs them on Wall Street.
Dick Cheney ripped the Obama administration in an interview Sunday. He accused them of exploiting a crisis to vastly expand the power of the federal government. Dick Cheney recognized the trick right away, it didn’t take a building to fall on him.
The Getty Museum in Los Angeles faced cuts Monday as the Getty Trust announced investment losses. Art is a mirror to every culture’s soul. The French use art to glorify love, Italians use art to glorify God, and Anglo-Saxons prefer self-portraits.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.