Los Angeles Dodgers star Manny Ramirez was ordered to rest for the entire week after the slugger was injured Monday. It’s really too bad. Last week Manny Ramirez got a forty-five million dollar bonus and the Treasury Department broke both his legs.
Senator Chuck Grassley of Iowa said Monday AIG workers should either resign or commit suicide for running the company into the ground and then taking performance bonuses. He speaks for all of Congress. These are the guys who just ran up eleven trillion dollars in debt, bankrupted the nation and then voted themselves a pay raise.
The White House and Congress vowed to find a way to cancel unpopular contracts Monday. They’ll be sorry. We can’t cancel English common law, just returning the bust of Winston Churchill made the stock market sink two thousand points in two weeks.
General Motors announced Monday it’s already sold out its first run of fourteen thousand new V-6 three-hundred-horsepower Camaros. The marketing research finally came back. Americans wish the planet the best, but little cars are for little countries.
The St. Patrick’s Day Parade marched up Fifth Avenue in New York on Tuesday. It was a grand day for Irish-Americans. By six o’clock in the morning parade-goers were standing on the sidewalk six-deep for forty blocks, and that’s just the beer line.
President Obama does Jay Leno’s Tonight Show tonight with Garth Brooks. That’s one segment of monologue, four segments of depression and a ballad. Only Captain Sully Sullenberger can keep the flight path of this show from killing everyone aboard.
The American Legion ripped a White House plan to shift wounded veterans’ health care costs to a soldier’s own private insurance. No one can believe this is a serious proposal. It’s so profoundly stupid that people are thinking Barack Obama was kidnapped on election night and replaced by a robot from the makers of Dan Quayle.
TelePrompTer inventor Hubert Schlafly was voted into the Cable Television Hall of Fame. His invention lets politicians and newscasters look smoother and more charming. Hub Schlafly’s in the Hall of Fame right next to the inventors of dynamite and derivatives.
The White House sent reinforcements to the Mexican border on Tuesday to battle the drug violence that’s spilling over. They’ve ordered thirty-seven ATF agents to cover hundreds of miles. That’s ridiculous, have they already declared tobacco a drug?
Mexico slapped a tariff on U.S. goods Monday after Congress cut off Mexican trucks’ access to the U.S. It’s a lesson for us. Two years ago we were resentful of all the immigrant construction workers, and today we’d be grateful for the sound of hammering.
An Iraqi soccer player was shot dead during a match in Baghdad Sunday. He was just about to kick the tying goal on a penalty shot. It was a big mistake to open a sports book in Baghdad before they had the metal detectors installed at the stadium.
George W. Bush said Tuesday he’ll write a memoir about his twelve toughest decisions. He invaded Iraq even though it had nothing to do with the Twin Tower attacks. He now realizes the best way to protect New York would have been to invade the London offices of AIG.
March Madness begins today as the NCAA basketball tournament begins. Everybody watches it at work on their office computers. The only time business for online porn is any slower is when a Washington sex scandal pulls the audience over to C-SPAN.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Published in The Messenger 3.19.09