President Obama was revealed Tuesday to have received six-figure donations from AIG last year. He’s quick as a cat. He rushed to Los Angeles, where people think AIG’s the sound a woman makes when the director whispers into her ear that she got the part.
Pope Benedict announced Monday the Roman Catholic Church is opposed to the use of condoms to help in the global fight against AIDS. The pope’s opposition makes total sense. You can’t expect a Notre Dame fan to say anything nice about the Trojans.
Advertising Age said Tuesday that the NCAA tournament will draw a half billion dollars in advertising. It’s money well spent. Polls say basketball is the world’s second-favorite indoor sport, but the other one’s got more spectators on the Internet.
Alex Rodriguez posed shirtless and kissing himself in the mirror in a magazine layout. There’s a lesson here. Making a quarter of a billion dollars playing baseball doesn’t bring you happiness if what you really want to be is a Calvin Klein model.
Nancy Pelosi gave a speech in support of illegal aliens in a San Francisco church Saturday night. It was nice of the church to hide them. They’re only looking for jobs and they were just stopping off in America for the night on their way to Canada.
The World Bank said Monday the Third World could collapse into anarchy without a new bailout. Nothing could prevent it. Now that President Obama can see the logic behind colonialism he is sorrier than ever he gave back that bust of Winston Churchill.
President Obama’s TelePrompTer malfunctioned Tuesday and the president thanked himself for honoring Ireland’s leader. Someone should fix that thing. Later that night he fired his wife and told Tim Geithner he had a headache and wasn’t in the mood.
Bank of America was ordered Wednesday to disclose the bonuses given by Merrill Lynch to traders just before the bailouts arrived. It’s causing a mutiny in the U.S. Army. Paratroopers won’t even bail out of an airplane for fear of a taxpayer backlash.
President Obama ducked questions Wednesday about his knowledge of the AIG bonuses for its financial products sales team. He may be in real trouble once Americans learn all about credit default swaps and mortgage-backed securities. After O.J. Simpson taught us all about DNA evidence, Bill Clinton couldn’t talk his way out of anything.
AIG Chairman Ed Liddy testified in Congress with ease and command in Wednesday’s hearings. He volunteered to head up AIG after it collapsed and he’s saving the company. It turns out that to get the best people all you have to pay is one dollar a year.
President Obama appeared in a town-hall meeting in Costa Mesa Wednesday an hour after Air Force One touched down on the west coast. Costa Mesa is one of the wealthiest neighborhoods in all of Southern California. Meth labs are a recession-proof business.
The White House asked the networks to televise a series of Fireside Chats with Barack Obama in prime time this spring. He wants it both ways. He wants to be on prime time every week without the brutal rehearsal necessary to be on Dancing with the Stars.
President Obama compared Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner to Alexander Hamilton Wednesday. He often compares himself to Lincoln. If he doesn’t stop talking about great men who died by gunshot, the Secret Service is going to arrest him as a threat to the president.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.
Published in The Messenger 3.20.09