HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama said Sunday he’s closing Guantanamo no matter what Dick Cheney says about it. The problem of where to put the detainees is easily solved. We’ve got empty bank vaults from coast to coast and they will be safer there than the money was.
Special Olympian Kolan McConiughey challenged Barack Obama to bowl Friday. It’s no contest. The disabled grocery worker has bowled a three hundred five times, but let’s see him make the stock market drop three hundred points a day like the president does.
President Obama upset many Thursday when he told Jay Leno his bowling was what you’d see in the Special Olympics. The lack of sensitivity was jaw-dropping. We thought we elected an intelligent guy and it turns out we’ve got a Teleprompter Savant.
The Treasury Department’s auto advisor Steven Rattner said Saturday that GM and Chrysler will need billions more to survive. The two automakers have submitted rescue plans that just might work. They’re going to stop making cars and become banks.
Countess Marie Douglas-David admitted during her divorce trial with United Technologies CEO George David that she had an affair with a Swedish fencing instructor. Don’t worry, the husband isn’t lonely. CEOs can’t go anywhere without their parole officers.
German police said a supermarket clerk found sixty pounds of cocaine packed in a crate of bananas Friday. What a mix-up. If you thought that chimp in Connecticut was angry a month ago, wait til he gets his shipment and there’s nothing in it but bananas.
Charles Barkley’s reality show about his golf swing is a huge hit for the Golf Channel. The show follows him everywhere. He’s seen packing six cases of Miller Lite for a trip to Scotland, although two of them may have been for the trip to the airport.
Wal-Mart reported Friday that it’s doing huge business keeping Americans clothed, as McDonald’s reported great business keeping Americans fed. The recovery has begun. Even chiropractors in New York City are doing land office business treating bonus backlash.
Nancy Pelosi told a Hispanic crowd last Saturday that enforcing U.S. immigration law is un-American. The voters won’t be happy with that. Millions of Americans are out of work right now, but millions of illegal immigrants could be out of work even cheaper.
Senator Chris Dodd was caught covering for the White House Tuesday when he said he didn’t know who inserted the AIG bailouts in the stimulus bill. He admitted the next day he inserted it himself under administration pressure. He was spinning so fast and so hard that storm chasers were following him with cars and video cameras.
The National Mall in Washington was the site of antiwar protests Saturday. The Bush administration started the war six years ago because they said Saddam Hussein was a tyrant and a murderer. Over sixty years the CIA never installed one philosopher.
The Pentagon said Friday a U.S. Navy submarine collided with a U.S. Navy destroyer in the Persian Gulf. You know what the investigators will find. We’d better table bank regulations and get some rules on cellphones and texting before we hit a Russian.
The New York Times reports Sunday that President Obama is planning to regulate salaries paid by every company in the financial services industry. Already he’s insulted Britain and Special Olympians while making nice to Iran and North Korea. One more week of this and everybody’s going to be searching for the birth certificate.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.
Published in The Messenger 3.24.09