HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Japan and Korea made the World Baseball Classic finals Monday. The U.S. team was eliminated by Japan Sunday. Wall Street went up five hundred points the next day on the belief that getting clobbered by Japan on a Sunday means the depression’s finally over.
Today Show host Matt Lauer missed work Monday after a bicycle he was riding hit a deer on the road and he went flying over his handlebars and dislocated his collarbone. The deer could be in lots of trouble. Matt Lauer works on an endangered network.
The FDA faced demands to improve food inspections Monday. Last week one banana shipment hid cocaine and another bunch had a spider whose bite causes male arousal. All these warnings that we’re becoming a banana republic didn’t tell us the good part.
Playboy closed its New York office Monday to cut costs and centralize business operations out of Chicago. Hugh Hefner put the mansion he owns next to the Playboy Mansion up for sale. They could cut the clothing allowance but it wouldn’t save much.
Madagascar had a coup Sunday in which the president of the Indian Ocean nation was overthrown by a radio announcer. A disc jockey overthrew a president. In his first national broadcast he abolished parliament and gave a weather and traffic report.
President Obama met with the Soviet Union’s final president, Mikhail Gorbachev, Friday in Washington D.C. There was a hint of the old Cold War tension in the room. Gorbachev wants royalties for Obama’s economic plan or he’s going to sue for plagiarism.
Mexico’s drug cartels were reported Monday to be diversifying their operations on the border. They are moving into the lucrative field of human smuggling. You can’t believe how much corporate executives will pay for safe passage out of this country.
Curt Schilling retired from baseball Monday and stated he’s proud he never put a foreign substance in his body. He may run for Congress. He so clean he hasn’t even been elected yet and already he has been drafted to chair the House Ethics Committee.
CBS’ 60 Minutes reporter Steve Kroft asked Barack Obama if he was punch-drunk on Sunday when he laughed at the auto industry’s plight. The president said it was gallows humor. Three months after the World Trade Center attack, Mayor Giuliani told us it was okay to laugh again and now Barack Obama is telling us it’s okay to do rope jokes.
President Obama on Sunday proposed a cap on executive salaries in all publicly traded corporations in the United States. This idea will never make it through Congress. All the executives have to do is tell Barney Frank that they won’t be able to afford to make campaign contributions and the salary cap will die in committee.
North Dakota prepared for Red River flooding Monday by letting children out of school to help with sandbagging. Union members from coast to coast were confused by this story. How does sitting around with a doughnut in your hand prevent flooding?
Tiffany jewelers announced Monday that profits were down seventy-five percent in the fourth quarter. They said they couldn’t sell their high-priced items. A lot of men just decided it was cheaper to get a divorce while the house was worth nothing.
President Obama nominated former Freddie Mac executive David Stevens to be the next head of the Federal Housing Commission. He was in charge of affordable lending at Freddie Mac. He’s responsible for such a bubble that the props from the Lawrence Welk show have to be taken out of storage for his confirmation hearings.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.
Published in The Messenger 3.25.09