HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Alex Rodriguez was named Monday as a client of a New York call-girl ring while he dated strippers and Madonna. This could help him. It backs up the story he told baseball investigators that the track marks on his arm are from penicillin injections.
Bud Selig vowed Monday to force the best U.S. ballplayers into next year’s World Baseball Classic after we were eliminated by Japan this year. It was the same story. Japan copied the designs of American players and now they can make them for half the price.
Special Relationship starring Dennis Quaid as Bill Clinton and Julianne Moore as Hillary begins filming in July about the Lewinsky scandal. It faces delays. The producers want to audition two hundred more actresses for the role of Monica Lewinsky.
Hillary Clinton rushed to Mexico City Wednesday to meet with Mexico’s president about the drug violence on the border. Cocaine is exactly like any Latin American presidency. It gives you the sensation of absolute power but only for fifteen minutes.
Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd arrived at the White House for meetings on Tuesday. He landed in America not a moment too soon. He wanted to speak to people who love liberty and let them know that Australia is just a thirteen-hour flight away.
Congress held hearings on the AIG bailout on Capitol Hill Tuesday as lawmakers took turns blasting the bailout and the bonuses. No one’s ever seen the public so angry at Wall Street. Things are so bad Dick Cheney just took his stockbroker hunting.
New Yorker magazine’s Sey-mour Hersh said Dick Cheney ran an assassination squad out of the White House which operated overseas. Never believe guys who say it’s a sacrifice to work in government. In the private sector all you have are video games.
President Obama held a prime time press conference Tuesday in the East Room of the White House. He gave very long and dull and detailed answers to each question. It was such a drone that al-Qaeda terrorists listening on the radio dove for cover.
President Obama told reporters Tuesday that his budget will build a foundation for economic recovery. He warned it could get worse before it gets better. Things are so tough that even people not in Obama’s administration aren’t paying their taxes.
President Obama ordered hip-hop and rap music added to Air Force One’s musical playlist Monday. It will be pumped over the plane’s in-cabin sound system. To prevent violence against women, the flight attendants will be armed with pepper spray.
Treasury Secretary Tim Geith-ner asked Congress Tuesday for the power to seize any company he deems is failing and claim it for the Treasury. It was just a slight miscommunication. Last week when Tim Geithner heard the president call him the finest treasury secretary since Alexander Hamilton, he thought he said Czar Alexander.
The PGA will honor former President George H.W. Bush at the Players Championship in May at Sawgrass. His love of the game is legendary. The moment he got word that Saddam Hussein invaded Kuwait he asked the next three groups if he could play through.
Madagascar’s president was overthrown in a coup Monday led by the island’s most popular radio talk show host. It’s amazing. To most people Madagascar is a remote island nation in the Indian Ocean but to Rush Limbaugh, it’s a shining city on a hill.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Published in The Messenger 3.27.09