HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Brazilian kayaker Pedro Oliva set a record paddling over Salto Belo Falls last week. He dropped two hundred feet and surfaced after two minutes underwater. It set a record for the longest anyone has gone without seeing President Obama on television.
President Obama expressed serious concern for the future at a town-hall meeting in the White House Thursday. His concern was genuine. The stock market has begun to recover without universal health care, college for all and cars that run on windmills.
George W. Bush announced Tuesday he’s writing a book about his time in the Oval Office. Two ghostwriters have already quit the project. He wants to write about the twelve toughest decisions in his life and three of them were rock, paper, scissors.
The White House made emergency plans Wednesday in case Mexican border violence escalates out of control. There’s a risk Mexico’s government could fall to anarchy. The White House is ordering the Strategic Cocaine Reserve to be filled up to capacity.
North Korea made launch preparations Thursday for a long-range missile which is capable of reaching the West Coast of the United States. The situation is the talk of Los Angeles. Wherever that missile lands will be the site of our new NFL stadium.
The Senate Judiciary Committee plans to hold hearings on the Bowl Championship Series in college football. They want to probe anti-trust violations. When the BCS installed a Microsoft operating system in their computer they were just asking for it.
NFL owners met in Dana Point Tuesday and discussed extending the NFL season to eighteen games a year. The timing is perfect to introduce a longer season. Now that everybody has stopped remodeling their houses, men need something to do with their Sundays.
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said Michael Vick must show remorse for hosting dogfights before he can be reinstated. It seems snobbish to target dogfighting and cockfighting. Not everybody has the wardrobe to trade on the New York Stock Exchange.
The White House was ripped by Greek-Americans over its lax observance of Greek Independence Day Wednesday. The leaders couldn’t get through security. People who have a history of throwing dishes have been banned since the Clintons left the White House.
Hillary Clinton said Wednesday that Americans share the blame for the Mexican border drug violence because we buy the drugs and sell the guns. Hold the outrage. These are the only two industries which haven’t asked the U.S. government for a bailout.
President Obama appointed former Fed Chairman Paul Volcker to head a commission to study rebalancing the tax code. You know what that means. The stock market went up a hundred and eighty points on the news that the president wasn’t going to do anything.
Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner asked Congress for authority to break contracts made by large businesses that could put the financial system at risk. He wants the U.S. government to run the financial industry. If it goes as well as the Post Office, public schools and NASA we will all end up getting our car loans from Osama bin Laden.
NASA reports that astronauts working outside the orbiting Space Station Monday were forced to dodge space junk hurtling toward them. They possess unbelievable courage and optimism. The astronauts regularly return to Earth and they have a choice.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Published in The Messenger 3.30.09