Argus Hamilton 4.6.09

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?

Major League Baseball began a new season Sunday with the first game being held in Washington D.C. The players are worried about their salaries. They’re afraid that by October they’ll all be playing for minimum wage in the Nationalization League.

President Obama received a private audience with Queen Elizabeth at Buckingham Palace Wednesday. She spoke quite firmly with him. She reminded him that if the United States is going to return to absolute monarchy she’s got first claim on the job.

London mobs smashed windows in the city’s financial district Wednesday as they demanded a change in the global banking system. They have a point. The protesters stormed inside the Bank of England and came out with 4,000 hands full of lint.

The White House Protocol Office caught heat for President Obama’s gifts to our allies. They’re all pretty useless. He gave Gordon Brown DVDs that won’t play in Britain, he gave Queen Elizabeth an iPod and he gave the Italian government Chrysler.

President Obama gave Queen Elizabeth an iPod loaded with Richard Rodgers Broadway hits. Why couldn’t his gift reflect our shared history? If he was truly considerate he would have seized Philip Morris and given her a tobacco company.

President Obama dined at Ten Downing Street last week, where he met Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling. The president loves the stories about the wizards with magical powers. He’s read all the books from cover to cover to his economic team.

Homer Simpson’s picture will be put on a first-class postage stamp. The post office is bankrupt and may cancel Saturday service. It’s OK to put Homer Simpson’s face on a stamp but they really ought to replace him as Postmaster General.

Republican congressmen walked down the Capitol steps together to publicize the GOP budget proposal Wednesday. It was quite a sight. There were 200 white guys wearing blue suits and red ties, and they just voted unanimously against cloning.

Pastor Ted Haggard and wife made a guest appearance on Divorce Court Friday. They stayed together after he slept with a male hooker and did meth with him. Some people feel that once you have been matched by e-Harmony it’s best not to argue with the computer.

The Republican National Committee replaced Sarah Palin with Newt Gingrich as featured speaker at a fundraiser in Washington D.C. this June. She couldn’t commit. There’s always someone in the family who’s about to go into labor and she can’t make plans to be out of town.

Hillary Clinton offered the Taliban an olive branch last week if they would renounce violence in Afghanistan. The day before, she offered to work with Iran. She doesn’t care what they do as long as they come up the back stairs and don’t go public with it.

The Justice Department threw out the conviction of Alaska’s former Senator Ted Stevens. It was thrown out for good reason. He was convicted of not listing bribes on his tax returns and the Obama administration still has a few cabinet posts to fill.

President Obama flew to Europe aboard Air Force One along with an entourage of 500 people. The plane carried extra vials of his blood type, five basketballs and a dozen Teleprompters. That’s exactly how Shaquille O’Neal travels except for the Teleprompters, because Shaquille O’Neal can ad-lib without ending his career.

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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 4.6.09

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