HOLLYWOOD--God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama made plans to go to Mexico in ten days for a summit to discuss the violence crossing the U.S. border from Mexico. We’re being invaded by a country that exports crude oil, marijuana and cocaine. We had more resistance to the Macarena.
Congress passed the largest budget bill in the history of mankind Thursday. They are spending money at record breaking speed. The only way that the United States is going to be able to pay off this debt is if we start raising taxpayers in puppy mills.
President Obama flew to France last week and tried to sell the French and Germans on fighting in Afghanistan. German and French generals need to know that the country is a valley below the Himalayan foothills where cannons echo like the voice of God. Forget the fact that you can’t win there, it’s what comedians call a great room.
President Obama paid a surprise visit to Iraq Tuesday where he said he wants the Iraqi people to begin taking control of their own country. They can’t wait. They’ve watched President Obama move to nationalize the auto companies and the banks, and if they’re going to have a dictator they would just as soon have a home-grown one.
The Major League Baseball season began Sunday with everyone unsettled by recession fears. It doesn’t even pay for players to win the Most Valuable Player award. As soon as they accept the free GM car the government has the authority to cut their salaries.
Michael Vick was in court Friday to arrange terms to get out of the bankruptcy and foreclosure he entered two years ago. Talk about rehabilitation. He’s gone from being a reviled dog abuser to being the Christopher Columbus of the economic downturn.
Illinois’s former governor Rod Blagojevich was indicted Friday for attempting to sell a Senate seat. It affects the state’s reputation. If Chicago gets the Olympic Summer Games, the track relay teams will be required to pass the batons under the table.
It’s a Small World re-opened in Disneyland last weekend following two years of reconstruction and modernization of the popular ride. It’s been updated. You can tell the ride is open because as you walk around the park, no one can stop singing We Are Just a Small Part of the World but We Are Responsible for the Suffering in Darfur.
Vermont passed a same-sex marriage law Friday the same day Iowa’s Supreme Court upheld same-sex marriage. It’s a constitutional issue. They’ve made the case that same-sex couples can love each other just as much as straight couples love their guns.
Queen Elizabeth chastised Italy’s Silvio Berlusconi for making too much noise at the G-20 group photo. He’s always been boorish. In college Silvio willed his body to science so he could tell women that he just got accepted into medical school.
President Obama made plans Friday to lift the ban on family travel to Cuba. It is so compassionate. The Gambino family, the Genovese family and the Lansky family lost a lot of property to the Castro family and they would like to get some of it back.
Congress gave the FDA the power to regulate tobacco on Tuesday as taxes pushed cigarette prices to ten dollars a pack in New York City. It’s the health insurance reform nobody thought of. We are going to screen cigarette smokers for ability to pay.
Taliban head Baitullah Mehsud vowed last week to blow up the White House. Reaction was typical. He hasn’t planned the attack and already you can hear President Obama apologizing for how America’s oxygen overreacted to South Asia’s saltpeter and sulfur.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.
Published in The Messenger 4.9.09