Argus Hamilton 4.10.09

OKLAHOMA CITY — God bless America, and how’s everybody?

Lutheran Church congregations in America celebrated Palm Sunday by waving Fair Trade palm fronds. They were harvested in an environmentally sensitive way. That means that after the farworkers pick the palm fronds, they always call the next day.

Michael Vick told a bankruptcy court judge he hopes to play in the NFL for 10 more years after he gets out of prison nextmonth. He lost his house and his job and all his money two years ago. He was always a year and a half faster than everyone.

Afghanistan passed a law last week making it legal for husbands to rape their wives. Their economy is based on heroin, and now they have conjugal rape. However, we are not going to overthrow their government until they legalize high executive pay.

Nigerian Sulaiman Adebayo was arrested in Lagos Friday by narcotics police who found sacks containing six tons of pot in his home. He’s 114 years of age. Smart Cubs fans always store up enough painkillers for the next century.

Madonna was refused permission to adopt an African girl by the presiding judge in Malawi last week. She remains determined. Madonna is tired of having to break her backup dancers of all their bad work habits and she wants to raise them from cubs.

Bill Clinton acknowledged Thursday that he has hand tremors, however his doctor said it’s not Parkinson’s. It’s too late. If Bill Clinton had had a medical excuse for not being able to control his hands 10 years ago, he wouldn’t have been impeached.

U.S. Congressman Anthony Weiner authored a bill to expand the number of work visas for supermodels after he took donations from foreign supermodels. We have to keep up with demand. Tom Brady is starting families with them faster than we can import them.

The House voted last week to give the FDA the power to regulate smoking tobacco and chewing tobacco and all tobacco advertising. For all the glamorous billboards, you can’t fool the children, especially the ones in West Virginia. They know when the heat’s on.

Iraq ended its contract with Blackwater Security Saturday due to all the brute force used by the company’s mercenaries. That was the plan. We didn’t want Iraq to get the bends going from Saddam Hussein to freedom, and Blackwater was the middle way.

President Obama thanked France and Germany for agreeing to help in Afghanistan last week. It’s the same old combo. The U.S. will provide ground troops and spy planes, Britain air cavalry, Canada transport, Germany marching music and France refreshments.

Hillary Clinton’s claim that Mexican drug lords get their machine guns from the U.S. was ridiculed by U.S. border agents. They’re right, of course. Cocaine runners buy their guns from Russia, they don’t have time to fiddle around with trigger locks.

President Obama flies to Mexico next week for a presidential summit. He has a choice of speeches he can give. He can apologize for the U.S. annexing the western U.S., he can apologize for the way U.S. college children behave in Mexico on spring break or he can fire the head of Mexico’s largest cocaine cartel and force them to go green.

Sarah Palin’s sister-in-law was arrested for burglary in Alaska Thursday while Bristol Palin’s ex-fiance told Tyra Banks all about their sex life. Sarah’s husband is profiled in Esquire this month in an issue called “How to Be a Man.” Social Services could seize Sarah Palin’s children on suspicion that the governor’s mansion is a meth lab.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 4.10.09

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