HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama helicoptered to Buckingham Palace flanked by thirty-nine decoy helicopters last week as Londoners gazed upwards in awe. He pulled this stunt one week before Easter. It’s what comedians who start the show call burying the headliner.
North Carolina and Michigan State played for the NCAA basketball title last week. One state represents tobacco subsidies and one represents manufacturing subsidies. They were out on the court battling but nobody knew what they were fighting over.
President Obama was de-nounced by conservatives for bowing before Saudi Arabia’s King Abdullah at the London summit. It had to happen. President Obama hasn’t owned General Motors two weeks and already he is conspiring against the electric car.
Washington state lawmakers banned detergents containing phosphates. That’s the chemical that gets clothes and dishes clean. Federal courts are now going to have to address the sentencing disparities between crack cocaine and powdered detergent.
The Jimmy Carter Visitor Center lost its Georgia state funding Tuesday due to budget cuts. Lawmakers said hardly anybody ever stops there. Tourists would much rather drink beer, shoot pool and toss darts down the road at the Billy Carter Visitor Center.
Alex Rodriguez said Sunday he may be back from his hip surgery in April rather than May as expected. It’ll be hard for him to focus at the plate. The huge flatscreen in center field was designed to get narcissists to take their eye off the ball.
Donald Trump warned the governor of New York Tuesday that millionaires are set to flee the state. The governor wants a big state tax hike on the wealthy. There was a time when Donald Trump would have worried about that, but he is in real estate.
Bill Clinton admitted to a reporter last week that he has hand tremors, however his doctor said it’s not Parkinson’s. That’s good to know. Just because he shakes his finger at reporters does not mean that he did not have sex with that woman.
The White House excluded legendary NFL coach Tony Dungy from the Faith Advisory Council appointed Monday. Gay activists didn’t like his opposition to same-sex marriage. Coach Dungy has seen the fights that can break out when men shower together.
North Korea’s Kim Jong Il announced Monday that his next launch will test-fire a missile that can reach California. There is no early warning system for nuclear radiation in Los Angeles. We have to watch George Hamilton for signs of early tanning.
U.S. officials said North Korea’s launch failed to get its payload up into outer space. It’s their third rocketry failure in three attempts. Kim Jong Il seems to be just another Baby Boomer paying the price for having too much fun in the Seventies.
London papers raved about President Obama’s rapport with Prime Minister Gordon Brown. The president said he discussed dinosaurs with the prime minister’s kids. He told them how someday Wall Street investment bankers will decay into fossil fuels.
The Today Show got New York’s former governor Eliot Spitzer on the show Monday to talk about his sex scandal last year, when he was caught paying hookers four thousand dollars per tryst. His rehabilitation is well under way. Someday he’ll tell his grandkids he did more than any other governor of New York to create high-paying jobs for women.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Published in The Messenger 4.13.09