Argus Hamilton

  HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody? Governor Rick Perry said Wednesday that Texas has the right to secede from the Union. You know the rest. Then Oklahoma secedes, then Arkansas, then Alabama, then South Carolina and then Barack Obama realizes his dream of being the next Abe Lincoln. John Madden retired from broadcasting NFL games on Thursday. It’s a great loss to comedians. Add his retirement to George W. Bush’s departure and you realize that Frank Caliendo may have to choose between working in blackface or starving to death. Mel Gibson was sued for divorce Tuesday amid tabloid charges of infidelity. It is irrelevant under California law. Mel Gibson’s wife Robyn is divorcing him after twenty-nine years after she did some genealogical research and found out she’s Jewish. Beatles record producer Phil Spector was convicted of murder in Los Angeles on Monday and now faces eighteen years in prison. The verdict was a surprise locally. Most people in Los Angeles felt that the death of AM radio music is punishment enough. Hulk Hogan said his divorce left him so embittered he understands why O.J. Simpson went nuts. One thing we know. If Hulk’s ex-wife leaves her sunglasses at a restaurant, the waiter would be wiser to mail them to her rather than drop them off at her front door. U.S. Open promoters admitted Friday they’re having a hard time selling corporate sponsor tents for the U.S. Open. They can be handy. Last fall Lehman Brothers bought a tent along the eighteenth fairway for the Ryder Cup and they are still living in it. Hillary Clinton signaled Friday that closer trade relations between the U.S. and Cuba are at hand. The administration’s motives are obvious. Cuba makes the world’s finest cigars and all the previous Democratic plans to kill Rush Limbaugh have failed. The Justice Department flew the captured Somali pirate from last week’s hostage drama to New York Friday. He’s in for a big disappointment. All those investment banking firms which recruited him for high-paying jobs last fall are out of business now. President Obama apologized to Latin America for past American heavy-handedness after apologizing to Europe for U.S. arrogance. He’s clueless. There was a time when Europe and Latin America were about to turn Nazi and it was no time for a light touch. President Obama released President Bush’s torture instruction memos to the CIA Thursday. The guidelines permitted slapping, nudity, handcuffing and confinement with an insect. That’s not an interrogation memo, that’s the Heidi Fleiss Spring Catalogue. Miami University was ranked America’s top party school in Playboy’s list of the top ten party schools. The seniors turn pro in May. Betty Ford has first pick in this year’s draft followed by Promises Malibu, Hazelden and Tent City Jail in Phoenix. The New York Yankees opened new Yankee Stadium Thursday with the players saying it isn’t as noisy as the old stadium. It’s not the design, it’s the prices. Fans who can pay two thousand dollars a seat have never had to raise their voices for anything. Hillary Clinton is offering a Weekend with Bill in a drawing to raise money to retire her campaign debt. It exemplifies the wisdom of experience. After thirty-five years of futile attempts to reform him she’s decided to go with the flow and pimp him. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 4.20.09

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