Argus Hamilton on NWTNTODAY.COM

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody? President Obama posed with all the Latin American leaders at the Summit of the Americas. It’s all because Texas threatened to secede. This wasn’t just a summit, it was an audition for a new reality show called Who Wants to be the New Fiftieth Star? Governor Rick Perry told a tea party in Texas Wednesday that Texas can legally secede from the United States. Picture the possibilities. The people in the Cayman Islands would finally have a place to send their money so they can avoid paying taxes. Hulk Hogan caused outrage Thursday by saying his divorce left him so bitter he totally gets why O.J. flipped out. The man’s a professional wrestler. It would look like he was killing his wife and the waiter, but it would all be fake for the cameras. The Dutch Navy captured more Somali pirates Saturday. They collect millions in ransoms, then spend every dime of it on women, drugs and alcohol. Last week there were so many sailors volunteering to be their hostage that Captain Phillips had to pull rank. Captain Richard Phillips flew home to Vermont Friday after he was rescued from Somali pirates. He was overjoyed. He thanked God six times, which was enough to put the returning sailor on the Homeland Security watch list for suspected right-wing extremists. Somali pirate Abduhl Wal-i-Musi was shipped to New York after being captured at sea by the U.S. Navy last week. He’ll be tried for assault and kidnapping. His three associates were shot and killed, leaving the U.S. Navy in control of a rap music label. The Dollar Store reported huge sales volume during the first quarter on Friday as American consumers flocked to the retail outlet for low-priced bargains. Every item in the store sells for a dollar or less. Don’t buy your bank stocks anywhere else. The Labor Department said unemployment hit twelve percent in Los Angeles. It’s having an impact. The Post Office will lose a fortune on Mother’s Day when fifty percent of the cards are delivered by people just walking upstairs from the basement. The White House named Aneesh Chopra the U.S. government’s chief technology officer Friday. Now whenever government officials want technical support they’re going to get someone from India on the phone. That’s not change, that’s what we’ve had all along. Dr. Martin Luther King’s children were reported on Saturday to have charged the foundation funding his statue on the National Mall eight hundred thousand dollars for use of his likeness and his words for the statue. No one can believe it. Vultures circling high in the sky ask their young why they can’t be more like the King children. The World Trade Center’s twin towers were reported Saturday to be twenty-eight years away from being rebuilt and fully occupied. It’s a good plan. By then Osama bin Laden and his crew will be so old they won’t be able to knock over a vending machine. A Minnesota appeals court panel ruled last week that Al Franken beat Norm Coleman in the Senate recount. It’ll be appealed. Norm Coleman is represented by the famed lawyer Ben Ginsberg, and the only way you can beat a lawyer that good is to die with no money. The White House asked Georgetown Thursday to cover up a Christian logo onstage before President Obama would speak there, The logo read, In This Sign You Will Conquer. The background was left blank after Georgetown refused to put up a banner saying Jesus, Just One of Many Options Available to Our Many Friends around the Globe. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 4.21.09