President Obama hosted a White House press conference Wednesday to discuss his progress as president. After a hundred days the U.S. government owns General Motors, six banks, and Chrysler. This is why no one in his family will play Monopoly with him.
The World Health Organization warned Wednesday the threat of a swine flu pandemic is imminent. In Washington, the health secretary said everyone should cover their mouths. We don’t know if this will end swine flu but history shows it would have prevented impeachment.
President Obama’s budget was passed by the Democrats in Congress Wednesday. It puts the country $4 trillion in debt. It’s hard to believe Nancy Reagan was nearly run out of the White House 25 years ago just for borrowing dresses.
The White House launched a review of Air Force One’s low flight over Manhattan for a publicity photo Monday that panicked New Yorkers. It showed no horse sense. Horse sense is the thing that a horse possesses which keeps it from betting on people.
The New York Yankees slashed the price of their twenty-five hundred dollar box seats. Nobody wanted to be seen sitting in such splendor. The only faster way to be dragged in front of Barney Frank is to be named People magazine’s Sexist Man Alive.
The Kentucky Derby field Saturday will include a filly owned by Dubai’s Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid. She’s well-trained. The jockey is under instruction not go to the whip unless the filly is seen in public with a stallion that’s not a family member.
The Supreme Court debated overturning part of the Voting Rights Act Tuesday. Opponents warn that just because a black man is president doesn’t mean America is any less racist. They showed photos of a dog barking ferociously at a black man, and it was Bo.
French first lady Carla Bruni’s former lover’s apartment was hit Tuesday by thieves who stole old sexually intimate videos of her. She should have known she couldn’t keep those videos private forever. Under socialism you must share everything.
Miss California Pageant officials admitted Thursday that they paid for breast implants for Miss California Carrie Prejean to help her win the Miss USA pageant. Their little plan backfired. Just her luck, she got a gay judge who only looked at her shoes.
Brett Favre’s agent announced Wednesday he is still retired, after the New York Jets released his contract. No one doubts it. Brett Favre is still retired, he only has an agent to negotiate a better cotton subsidy from the Agriculture Department.
Texas Gov. Rick Perry canceled all high school sporting events Tuesday to slow swine flu. That’s a timid response for him. His first instinct was to stand in front of a crowd of cheering Texans and threaten to secede from the animal kingdom.
Sen. Arlen Specter turned Democrat Tuesday, giving Democrats power to do all they want. That’s a dangerous power for overspenders. If history proves anything it is that there’s only one thing worse for an addict than bad luck, and that’s good luck.
Elizabeth Edwards’s book tells how she felt when the National Enquirer followed her husband John Edwards to the Beverly Hilton to meet his mistress and love child. She learned the same lesson that Hillary Clinton and Princess Diana learned. The best thing about having a famous husband is that it saves you a lot of money on detectives.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.
Published in The Messenger 5.1.09