HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Mine that Bird won the Kentucky Derby in an upset Saturday. The owners had him gelded last year, so there’ll be no stud fees. President Obama wants to jail the owners for the taxes they’re not going to pay on the money they aren’t going to make.
John Edwards was investigated Monday for the hundred grand his campaign paid to his mistress. He cheated on his wife as she battled cancer while campaigning for him. He’s so low he was recruited to be a trial lawyer while still in kindergarten.
New York Yankees star Alex Rodriguez returns to play this week as a new book comes out saying he took steroids, chased hookers and strippers and tipped pitches to opposing batters. He’s in a lot of trouble. Every time an umpire calls him safe, he just laughs.
Italy’s prime minister Silvio Berlusconi demanded his wife apologize after she denounced him for chasing after young women. It proves there is a God. For one hundred days comedians have been praying for a funny national leader to reveal himself.
President Obama went after companies Monday which locate in the Cayman Islands where they pay no taxes. He can’t stop himself. He’s been very bored by the mundane tasks of the presidency and the only thing that has given him any thrill is killing pirates.
Jeb Bush spoke for the National Council for a New America at a pizza parlor in Virginia on Saturday. He said the GOP must have a big-tent philosophy. With much of the nation living in tents, where else would Republicans be living except in the big ones?
Tampa Bay Ray Carl Crawford tied the Major League record with six stolen bases in a game Sunday. It was a wasted effort. A lot of baserunners are showcasing their stealing ability for the investment banks, forgetting they now have a salary cap.
President Obama spent Monday on the phone with U.S. Senators discussing possible Supreme Court nominees to replace Justice Souter. He said he’s looking for someone with empathy. He has given up on looking for nominees who are paid up on their taxes.
George W. Bush was reported Monday to have raised a hundred million dollars for his presidential library at Southern Methodist University. Silence will not be tolerated inside. It’s the only library in the world that tortures you unless you talk.
The White House reversed Joe Biden’s warning not to fly or take the subway to avoid swine flu. They said he meant to say sick people shouldn’t travel. When Joe Biden tells you that the sky is falling, Warren Buffett invests all his money in sky.
The Centers for Disease Control admitted Sunday that the swine flu was no more deadly than regular flu. It turns out the threat to America didn’t really exist. We’re just lucky that we found out before we invaded Mexico and toppled the government.
Congress expressed no support Monday for President Obama’s proposed legislation to close all corporate tax loopholes. The opposition by lawmakers didn’t surprise anybody. Authors just hate it when somebody comes in and tries to re-write their work.
The White House was accused by the lawyer representing Chrysler bondholders of threatening bondholders with public ruin if they didn’t agree to the president’s deal to keep Chrysler out of bankruptcy. How scary. This Passover if you didn’t have lamb’s blood on your door, the Angel Obama came by and seized your senior secured debt.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Published in The Messenger 5.6.09