Argus Hamilton 5.7.09

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Kentucky Derby was won by longshot Mine that Bird Saturday. The owner drove the horse to Kentucky in a Ford pick-up, which broke down on the road. The mechanic used something to get the pick-up running and it worked so well they tried it on the horse.
President Obama hosted a party for Cinco de Mayo on Monday. This holiday marks Mexico’s defeat of the French Army 147 years ago. The French generals caught Flu de Coop while they were in Mexico and they haven’t won a war since.
New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez is slated to return this week. What a welcome sight. It’s nice to know that if a North Korean missile landed on Washington D.C., there are a few narcissists stashed around the country who could step in and run things.
President Obama went after Cayman Islands tax-sheltered companies Monday. He has to reshape the American perception that it’s cool to be rich, live in the tropics and pay no taxes. It’s been 20 years since a drug lord was the bad guy in a movie.
Cairo police Monday confiscated and slaughtered pigs from Egyptian pig farmers without compensation. The police in Egypt are corrupt but they’re not very bright. They were so disappointed when they cut the pigs open and there were no coins inside.
Supreme Court Justice David Souter announced Thursday he will be stepping down from the high court after two decades on the bench. The announcement caused nationwide interest and a scramble in Washington. It’s the first job opening all year.
Hillary Clinton received a 71 percent job approval rating Friday. It’s obvious why. President Obama had another date night with his wife Friday night and historically Hillary is at her most popular when the president’s seeing another woman.
Catalina Island benefited from the swine flu scare in Mexico with 25 cruise ships stopping there instead last week. The islanders tried to give them a flavor of Mexico. They hired Mariachi bands to fire guns and cough into the crowds.
Mexican officials said Monday that swine flu is under control and that life in Mexico will soon return to normal. They never proved that the people who died in Mexico actually died from swine flu. It could have been the order to drink plenty of water.
Chinese bureaucrats in Hubei province were ordered Monday to smoke four packs of cigarettes every day to help boost the local tobacco economy. How backwards. Nobody in America’s had to do that to keep his job since Jack Benny was sponsored by Lucky Strikes.
Jeb Bush headlined the National Council for a New America event in Virginia on Sunday. It could be that the sudden emergence of the next Bush shows that Americans are nostalgic for the dynastic presidency. Meritocracy just rattles the stock market.
Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi demanded his wife apologize after she accused him of playing around. He’s rich, he’s powerful and he’s in charge of a country full of Catholic school girls. It’s not so much a job as it is an Internet video game.
Chrysler bondholders blocked the sale of the auto company in bankruptcy court Monday. The bondholders’ lawyer said the deal is unconstitutional and puts social goals ahead of United States bankruptcy law. The proceeding could be delayed indefinitely while the Obama administration tries to decide if it can argue with that.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 5.7.09

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