HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Los Angeles Dodgers star Manny Ramirez was suspended fifty games Thursday when tests caught him taking a female fertilty drug. Don’t be too quick to criticize him. It is nice when the people who are trying to have octuplets can afford octuplets.
Santa Barbara had wildfires fanned by gusty desert winds Thursday as thousands evacuated. It’s a seasonal thing. Residents evacuated to their homes in Malibu, and by the time they burn down in September, their houses in Santa Barbara will be rebuilt.
Keifer Sutherland faced assault charges and jail time in New York City Thursday after he headbutted a fashion designer. So it’s come to this. Barack Obama hasn’t been in office four months and already we’re losing the War on Terror to a hairdresser.
Brett Favre talked to the Minnesota Vikings on Thursday about playing for them next season. He came out of retirement twice in the last two years to play again. If the stock market doesn’t recover soon, younger workers will never get a chance at a job.
President Obama proclaimed a National Day of Prayer Thursday but he didn’t have any time to hold any public observances. You can imagine his irritation. He’s the first president to have to spend National Prayer Day in his office answering prayers.
President Obama went to a Virginia hamburger stand for lunch Tuesday and he ordered a burger with Dijon mustard. He got puzzled looks. If you ask the average Virginian in a restaurant for Dijon they give you direction to the men’s room.
Arnold Schwarzenegger called for legalizing and taxing marijuana in California Wednesday. It’s personal with him. Forty years ago he arrived penniless in a rich and prosperous California, and today he’s rich and prosperous and the state’s penniless.
Sarah Palin was asked to join the GOP’s national listening tour across America on Thursday. The party had no choice but to invite her. Mitt Romney could wear a short skirt and a tank top to these rallies, and nobody would pay a nickel to see him.
Colin Powell suggested Monday that Republicans stop listening to Rush Limbaugh because he warps the party. The general is understandably bitter. He was in charge of peace efforts and diplomacy in the Bush administration, and all he got out of it was carpal tunnel syndrome from playing solitaire on his office computer for four years.
House Banking Chairman Barney Frank attempted to get online gambling legalized again Thursday. He’s in favor of home loans to people who can’t afford them, he’s in favor of forcing banks to write off credit card debt, and he favors online gambling. Only the Lord’s Prayer has forgiven more people their debts than Barney Frank has.
The White House ordered the banks to come up with seventy-five billion dollars by November. They were very careful about how they broke the news. They sailed up to Citigroup’s headquarters in a little boat and began firing small arms into the windows.
Defense Secretary Robert Gates said Thursday there’s no danger of the Taliban getting ahold of Pakistan’s nuclear weapons. He didn’t say how we’ll keep them away from them. That trick we used in Iraq of announcing they don’t exist won’t work twice.
Molly the Cow escaped a slaughterhouse in Queens on Wednesday and led New York cops in a long chase down the streets of the city. They were able to knock Molly out by shooting tranquilizer darts into the cow. That’s date rape in five Southern states.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Published in The Messenger 5.11.09