HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Keifer Sutherland faced assault charges and jail Thursday after he head-butted a fashion designer in New York. Americans love barfights. It reminds us what baseball players were like before steroid use made them too rich to interact with others.
Los Angeles Dodgers superstar Manny Ramirez admitted he took a banned substance Thursday but was careful to point out he didn’t take steroids. That’s illegal. If convicted of steroids use, he could get four to eight years as governor of California.
Manny Ramirez admitted Thursday taking a female fertility drug which was put on the banned substance list last year. This gave him a range of explanations. No one believed his first story that he and the Octomom got their prescriptions mixed up.
Manny Ramirez was suspected by endocrinologists to have taken female fertility drugs to restore his testosterone level after cycling off steroids. At least that makes sense. Up until now Manny Ramirez’s only maternal instinct was nursing a Corona.
Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner rolled out a new plan Friday to get tax cheats to pay the money they owe to the government. The penalties for tax cheating are very strict in this country. If you are caught, it could get you a cabinet appointment.
Chicago cop Drew Peterson was arrested for murdering his fourth wife Friday in a case that’s all over the tabloids. Statistics don’t lie. Two of his four wives have been killed, making marrying Drew Peterson the leading cause of death in Illinois.
President Obama called Paramount studios Thursday and asked for a copy of the new Star Trek movie for the White House screening room. Everybody loves science fiction. The movie is set so far in the future that the electric car is only twenty years away.
President Obama will address the Arab world from Egypt in two weeks. He thinks co-existing with the Muslim world depends on communication. In case he’s wrong he will speak from behind bulletproof glass and hire local kids to start his car for him.
The White House announced President Obama will go to Normandy and speak on the sixty-fifth anniversary of the D-Day invasion. He’s seen pictures of the landing. He wants to go to France and apologize personally for America littering their beaches.
The Interior Department announced Friday it will re-open the Statue of Liberty’s crown, which has been closed since the World Trade Center attack. Things have changed since them. When tourists thought they might be hit by a hijacked airliner they were afraid to go up there, but now that they could be hit by Air Force One, it is an honor.
The White House released photos of Air Force One flying low over New York last week. Cellphone videos showed people running through the streets in panic. The Air Force One flyover project has been renamed the President’s Project on Physical Fitness.
Massachusetts began giving out cars to welfare recipients Friday in an attempt to help them get to job interviews. Giving out cars benefits everybody. Riding public transportation only spreads the swine flu, and GM could use the free advertising.
Hollywood porn star Stormy Daniels went on a listening tour of Louisiana Monday as a prelude to her run for the U.S. Senate. She’s running in the primary against the GOP incumbent. He offers the voters more experience but she offers more positions.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Published in The Messenger 5.12.09