By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Southern California was a raging inferno Tuesday as wildfires burned homes and downed power lines. People who live in Malibu lost all phone service. President Bush was forced to eavesdrop on our nation’s enemies by watching the Larry King Show.
San Diego wildfire evacuees were housed in Qualcomm Stadium Monday because it’s fireproof. Sports stadiums make great shelters. When Indiana is hit by tornadoes, people go to Notre Dame Stadium because nobody believes there’ll be a touchdown there.
White House spokeswoman Dana Perino said Tuesday the Bush administration learned a lesson from Hurricane Katrina. She said they’re applying the lesson to San Diego. That lesson is, make sure all disasters happen to wealthy white people with insurance.
San Diego’s Qualcomm Stadium was converted into a disaster shelter Monday. The evacuees had massage therapy, live rock bands and gourmet buffets from the Hyatt. Southern Californians haven’t suffered like this since it drizzled on the Rose Parade.
President Bush will fly to Southern California today to assess the fire damage and supervise relief efforts on-site. His trip could save a lot of lives. With any luck, one of the water dropping helicopters flying overhead will douse his Iran policy.
President Bush made a pitch over the weekend for the development of alternative fuels to run cars. Let’s hope we don’t learn soon that cars can run on potato juice. Ireland’s got a creepy feeling that if he’s going in alphabetical order, they’re next.
U.S. Congressman Pete Stark of San Francisco apologized for saying the president enjoys casualties in Iraq. How’d that happen? Normally to get a politician from San Francisco to apologize you have to have photographic evidence of heterosexual behavior.
Bob Jones University leaders endorsed Mitt Romney Tuesday despite the school’s stated belief that Mormonism is just a cult. Evangelicals are pragmatic if nothing else. They will nominate someone from a cult if that’s what it takes to defeat a witch.
Hillary Clinton told the Des Moines Register Tuesday Iowa is a tough state for her to win. She said she never knew Iowans had never elected a woman to statewide office. This is what happens when you have all your detectives following your husband around.
John Edwards told high schoolers in New Hampshire the U.S. has a moral and legal obligation to treat women as the equals of men. It’s sad to hear. John Edwards went into this race as the front-runner and now he’s opening for Helen Reddy at school assemblies.
The Republican Governors Association partied in Washington Monday to celebrate Bobby Jindal’s election as governor of Louisiana. It broke the mold. The voters of Louisiana elected the only Indian in the state who is ineligible for a casino license.
Rudy Giuliani told a Boston crowd Tuesday he is rooting for the Red Sox to win the World Series. The lifelong Yankees fan is showing that he can get along with enemies. You just can’t win this year unless you distance yourself from President Bush.
West Virginia led all fifty states in a federal survey Monday in the number of pregnant women who smoke. The state also leads the nation in Mega Lottery winners and coal mining casualties. In West Virginia the odds are good, but the goods are odd.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org. Published in The Messenger 10.25.07