HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Barclays Capital declared Wednesday the recession ended in April. We’re a long way from recovery. With five thousand dollars you can either go to a Yankees game or you can buy a controlling interest in General Motors and watch a big loss either way.
The N.Y. Yankees began auctioning off the dirt, seats and fences from old Yankee Stadium on Tuesday. They got $10,000 for 40 square feet of grass. It’s so obviously the top cash crop in America you’d think Congress would legalize it.
The FDA told General Mills Monday it can’t advertise its cereals as cholesterol-lowering unless they’re regulated as drugs. It caused quick turmoil. The next day Michael Phelps lost his Zig Zag endorsement because Wheaties is a competitive product.
Pope Benedict was slammed in Israel for being casual about the Holocaust. They said he was a German who joined the Hitler Youth and Hitler’s army. When the pope put a prayer in the Wailing Wall, he asked God for a joke that would work on this crowd.
U.S. reporter Roxana Saberi was released by Iran Tuesday after she was convicted for espionage. It was tough. She finally convinced them that a photo of her holding a secret Iranian defense document without a scarf over her head had been Photoshopped.
Sarah Palin signed a book deal to write her memoirs Monday. She said she wants to tell her family’s story without going through the filter of the mainstream media. They’re always obsessed with who’s pregnant, who’s high and who reminds them of Nixon.
President Obama met with House Democrats Wednesday and told them that he wants a health care reform bill on his desk by August. The president told reporters that he wants the legislation now because the stars are aligned. The stars are under the mistaken impression that plastic surgery will be covered by the new health care plan.
The U.S. Senate held hearings Wednesday on the enhanced interrogation techniques used on terrorists. They’re all more familiar with waterboarding than they will admit. Every night reporters pour vodka down their throats and they sing like canaries.
President Obama decided on Wednesday to block release of the photos of terror detainee abuse. They show detainees naked with their hands up in the air. Nobody bought the Bush administration’s story that they were putting on a prison production of Oh, Calcutta!
President Obama blocked the prisoner abuse pictures Wednesday after consulting his generals. Wise move. They felt it would inflame Arab opinion against U.S. troops across the Middle East, as opposed to the toga party they throw for us every night now.
The Social Security Admini-stration said Wednesday they mailed stimulus checks last month to 10,000 deceased Americans. The government sent $250 to 10,000 dead people. In Chicago, it’s known as get out the vote money.
The Kremlin said Monday President Obama will visit Russia in July. They’re going to have a long talk about political prisoners. The Russians are refusing to do business with the United States until President Obama releases the auto executives.
Somali pirates retreated to the African shores Monday when the annual monsoons arrived, making the sea too rough for pirate boats to chase tankers. It caused environmentalists to tear their hair out. They can’t figure out why the climate is saving the oil industry.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Published in The Messenger 5.15.09