HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
General Motors announced plans to close a thousand car dealerships Friday. The news is ominous. With Wall Street shuttered, banks regulated, and car salesmen and auto mechanics laid off, the only jobs left for liars will be on the World Poker Tour.
Alex Rodriguez got a giant ovation from Yankees fans Friday when he came to bat in the new Yankee Stadium for the first time. The thousand-dollar seats near home plate were all filled. The process servers just charge it to the U.S. attorney’s office.
Bob Barker revealed Saturday he was asked to star in a porno movie when he was starting out. How long ago was that? He turned it down because Thomas Alva Edison wouldn’t spring for a dressing room trailer and he refused to change in the men’s room.
The Producers opened in Berlin Friday and the audience cheered the show that portrays Hitler as a campy laughingstock. They went wild during the Springtime for Hitler number. It will run in Germany for only two months, any longer than that risks window breakage.
Colgan Air executives told Congress Friday some of their pilots make only sixteen thousand dollars a year. That explains the bird strikes. The birds aren’t flying into the planes, the pilots are flying into the flocks to pick up some free poultry for dinner.
NASA astronauts used wrenches and screwdrivers while floating in space Saturday to fix the Hubble Telescope. They’re correcting its aim. For six years it’s been trained on Nancy Pelosi’s every move and now they want it to watch planets for awhile.
Nancy Pelosi was pilloried in the media Friday over her changing stories about when she first heard about waterboarding. She was a blur. She shifted so often and changed directions so fast that John Madden is going to build a video game around her.
President Obama nominated Utah’s GOP governor Jon Huntsman for U.S. ambassador to China Saturday. He had to pick someone from the other party. Under President’s Obama’s economic plan, Republicans will sell U.S. debt and Democrats will sell used cars.
Joe Biden released a hundred million dollars in stimulus money to remove lead paint from low-income homes. He said it will employ a lot of people to take dangerous materials out of the houses. If we can expose enough government workers to asbestos, we can employ the next generation of community organizers to file their medical claims.
Arnold Schwarzenegger proposed raising cash for California Thursday by selling San Quentin prison to developers. The property includes a gas chamber. However, it’s been so long since anybody was executed in California that death row is now a record label.
GOP Chairman Michael Steele spoke to the NRA convention in Phoenix Friday and warned that Obama wants to take away their guns. He was preaching to the choir. Arizona is so pro-gun that the Phoenix Theater’s production of Peter Pan features a shootout at the end.
Homeland Security was reported on Friday to be training Eagle Scouts to assist the Border Patrol. What a test. They’re going to put these fine young men on the border where they’ll be exposed to massive quantities of cocaine, pot, and illegal cash, and then we’re going to find out who’s really an Eagle Scout and who’s just faking it.
Prince Harry will fly to New York for his first trip to America Friday. He’s got a busy schedule. He’s going to Harlem, he’s going to Ground Zero, he’s going to play polo, and he’s going to take a DNA test to prove John Edwards is not his father.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.
Published in The Messenger 5.20.09