Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Washington Redskins won a lawsuit brought by Indian tribes Friday who said the team’s name offends Native Americans. They said the name symbolizes racism, conquest, subjugation and imperialism. They wanted it changed to the Maryland Redskins.
China demolished a sex theme park called Love Land on Monday before it opened. A lot of people lost money on the deal. Bill Clinton was supposed to be paid $1 million to speak at the opening, which Hillary had been told was a conference on AIDS.
Michael Irvin hosts a reality show on Spike TV that lets five athletes compete for a chance to make the Dallas Cowboys. It’s a new twist on a proven idea. For 10 years Cops has followed young men in their first year with the Cincinnati Bengals.
Michael Phelps lost two swimming races in Charlotte last weekend after serving his suspension for being photographed smoking pot from a bong. He’s way out of shape. His trainer just put him on candy cigarettes til he is back up to Olympic form.
Brett Favre was reported Monday to have undergone surgery for a slight tear in his bicep. This lets him keeps his option open for the fall. He’s either going to play quarterback in the NFL or he wants to pick cotton on his farm without pain.
Los Angeles Dodgers star Manny Ramirez apologized to his team in Florida Friday for getting suspended for taking a banned substance. He got very emotional. The language barrier didn’t keep him from making it clear that he didn’t take any stereos.
The Barack and Michelle Obama Paper Doll and Cut-Out Book comes out today. It features their inaugural outfits, European visit ensembles and beachwear. They were going to include the cars they own but the GM and Chrysler fleets took up too much room in the package.
The Food and Drug Administration issued orders Monday requiring labels on food to be more specific when stating fat content. This is long overdue. Food products will now be labeled no-fat, low-fat, reduced-fat and fat but with a great personality.
Woody Allen was awarded $5 million in damages from American Apparel for using his image in an ad without permission. The company had said Allen’s image has no dollar value considering his world-famous scandals. That’s ridiculous, Calvin Klein built an entire brand identity based on sexualizing 12-year-olds.
President Obama agreed to keep all options on the table with Iran Monday while meeting with Benjamin Netanyahu. He’s giving Iran ultimatums, hiding torture photos, keeping Guantanamo open and reinstating military tribunals. The genealogists warned us last year that he’s Dick Cheney’s 19th cousin but nobody would listen.
President Obama met with resistance from Cuba on opening doors Monday. He said further progress would involve Cuba’s willingness to free all political prisoners held on the island. They’d love to comply, but security at Guantanamo is really tight.
NASA astronauts finished fixing the Hubble Telescope out in space Monday. They have to get it right the first time because they’ll never be able to get back there again. Anybody who’s had their kitchen remodeled by an illegal alien knows the feeling.
Wall Street banks asked the government for permission to return the TARP money on Monday. Bankers want to pay it back and ditch the salary cap, but the government would rather decline the payback to keep control over the banks. The White House Counsel has assured the president that the Emancipation Proclamation doesn’t apply to bankers.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 5.22.09

Print